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Can't Miss Slants

Golden Showers: 2018 Pre-Draft

Hey everyone,  it’s been a while since I got a chance to trash talk and b.s.   Life gets busy, but I want you to know I do miss the good ol’ days.  I have been paying attention to the NFL transactions, not as much as I used to, but close enough to write some satire during what was supposed to be the down time.  It seems apparent that even though the NFL is more active than ever, the same narratives are playing out.

Quarterbacks of the North

The Vikings once again managed to disappoint the shit out of the fans to end the 2017 year.  After not expecting anything,  I still did not catch the end of the NFC Championship Game.  In 2017, the team had a third string QB have a cinderella year; to start off 2018 the team reverted back to no starting quarterbacks.  The feeling of “this team is a QB away from a Super Bowl” is an all too common feeling among Vikings fans, and they can be assured the team will make the wrong decision.  Rumor is that they are front runners for Kirk Cousins, and with him the team might actually be able to lose another Super Bowl.

The Browns are gearing up to be the sleeper team of the future, which is the narrative right before the inevitable dumpster fire.  They traded for Damarious Randall, former packers best cornerback; Jarvis Landry, one of the best slot receivers in the NFL; and Tyrod Taylor, one of the best QB spot starts for Fantasy Football.  They also hold a grip of draft picks, including the first and fourth overall.   I am really hoping Baker Mayfield gives an encore to the Manziel performance.

The Browns mainly traded away some of their draft capital for the new players, except for the Damarious Randall trade.  For Randall, they sent their 54th starting quarterback since 1999 to the Green Bay Packers.  The Packers are also likely to extend Aaron Rodgers this off-season, and since they only have 17 million to work with under the cap, they might have to release some of their staple players from recent years.  No better time to rebuild than the waning years of Aaron Rodgers prime.

 

The Chicago Bears have a grip of cap room, but unfortunately their foundation of Division II players from the 2017 Draft did nothing to solidify any aspect of the team.  They released Mike Glennon, so they are now fully committed to their sophomore quarterback who is one start away from equaling the number of games he started in college. Trubisky scored lower on the mysterious NFL QBR than Deshone Kizer, so Green Bay could actually have three better quarterbacks than both the Bears and the Vikings at this point.

The Detroit Lions are looking like a team that is poised to reach their pinnacle, which is a Wild Card loss.  The team’s contributors from the year before are all returning, and the team has some cap space to add some depth to the roster.  Matt Stafford’s contract is already getting upped by new quarterback deals, and the holes of the team could potentially be addressed in Free Agency and the Draft.

Switches of the South

New Orleans seemed to have had a bountiful last few drafts, and were able to use the picks for a surprising 2017 season.  Drew Brees is yet to sign a new contract with the team, but still counts as a cap hit.  Drew Brees might have a few years left, but only the Panthers have won the NFC South two years in a row.

The Carolina Panthers decided to rehire their previous GM, Marty Hurney.  After Hurney returned from leave (accused of abuse from his ex-wife), he signed a kicker to a large multi year contract and traded away a young cornerback prospect for the ghost of Torrey Smith.  It’s great to see he is back to doing what he got fired for doing.

Tampa Bay fans seem unsure on the direction of the team, but the team did just resign Mike Evans to a huge deal.  There is uncertainty with their quarterback, but now it is for his on the field actions. They possess a high draft slot and are loaded with a grip of cash in free agency, but it is unclear who the next “DeSean Jackson” will be for them.

Next, the Atlanta Falcons.  The team only has 17 million in cap space entering Free Agency, and will likely sign Matt Ryan to an extension, increasing his annual pay by nearly ten million.  This means that the team will have to move on from Tevin Coleman after this year, as they will not be able to afford the luxury of having the deepest backfield in the league.  Looks like the team will be looking at reloading after this year, though they could lose another playoff game in horrific fashion to end 2018.

The teams that have actually improved in the early stages of the off-season has been New England (surprise), Philadelphia (what the hell is happening) and the Los Angeles Rams (this might actually be rigged).  The mundane of the dynasty that grips the NFL looks to last another year, and our favorite teams seem to be repeating previous naratives.  Fortunately the patrons of FYS will all get their turn for schadenfreude, but Vikings fans are looking at an early start.