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Can't Miss Slants

What to Hate About Arizona, Playoff Edition

Well, well, well! We come back to the scene of the crime. A 38-8 beatdown of Green Bay by the hands of the Arizona Cardinals in week 16. This week’s game hopefully will be a closer matchup, but at least we have a game and didn’t fuck it all up on a kick that your average 6th grader could hit. That said, grab your favorite retiree, and their oxygen tank, and head for the Valley of the Sun for some clean, old fashioned hate.

1) The economy is too dependent on new construction and real estate. When the housing bubble burst in 2008, few places were hit harder than Phoenix. Many people with winter homes took such a bath on them that they said “Fuck It” and left it. Phoenix is a growing area but at some point it won’t be, and when that happens it will suffer.

2) Haboobs are the only boobs I don’t want to see. The desert dust storms are capable of making the noon sun look like it’s midnight, and because visibility is so restricted you won’t see the empty beer can that is about to hit you in the face.

3) Different priorities when parking. In many places, when you park your car, your ideal spot is as close to the place where you are going. In Phoenix, due to the oppressive heat, you will gladly walk an additional 5 minutes to get a spot in the shade just so the inside of your car isn’t 170 when you come back to it.

4) Lizards are the new squirrels

5) Green grass is overrated. Most people used crushed rock for the front lawn. That should be wonderful for teaching your kid how to field ground balls or kick a soccer ball.

6) Boy you look young for 62! In Arizona, you don’t need to renew your driver’s license until you hit the ripe old age of 65.

7) Is he packing heat in the produce section?  Gun laws are some of the least restrictive in the country in Arizona, so get used to seeing people openly carrying in almost every walk of life, including while shopping at the grocery store.

8) Floods at 1/4 inch of rain.  The ground is so hard that Phoenix doesn’t have storm drains.  Furthermore, the roads aren’t arched like in much of the rest of the country because it hardly ever rains there.  What does that mean to you?  Small amounts of rain can turn the smallest thoroughfare into the Mighty Mississippi

9) Suicide Lanes.  In the morning the traffic on the middle lane of  7th St and 7th Ave goes one way, in the evening it goes the other, the rest of the day it’s a fucking free for all.  What basically were lanes designed to safely turn left from without disturbing traffic (some paint on the road indicating this might help too) has become a fucking death trap.

10) The Cardinals.  Seriously fuck you guys in the face. And by the way you haven’t won a Championship since 1947.  I know you left Chicago to avoid the stench of the Cubs.  It hasn’t worked

Next week, we have 3 possibilities.  1) A trip to Charlotte to take on the Panthers 2) A home game vs Seattle or 3) the offseason, where I will start my offseason program by doing a hate on Green Bay first and then go through the teams we didn’t play.