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Can't Miss Slants

What to Hate About New Orleans

It’s Fat Tuesday Motherfucker! That’s right it’s Mardi Gras Bitches! Which is the day Catholics like myself eat everything left in the house that is bad for you in advance of the 40 day Lenten sacrifice, in which we give up something in order to make room for God in our lives. But this week we are going to the city that does Mardi Gras best, the Crescent City, New Orleans.

1) The accent.  Jesus fucking Christ, I have an easier time understanding a drunken Scot than anything that comes out of your fucking mouths.

2) I have it on good word that if you walk down Bourbon Street barefoot, you are likely to wake up with hepatitis

3) The smell. It’s a combination of vomit, urine and stale booze, and that might be putting it nicely

4) The location. I mean what can possibly happen by building a bustling metropolis 9 feet under the mightiest river on the continent? I wonder if that makes the area prone to flooding?  No wonder there is such rampant poverty, people who can afford to fill their tanks and get the fuck out of town have already left.

5) Cockroaches. While New Orleans might be a climate that is not hospitable to humans, these fuckers could not be more at home.

6) Corruption. I am glad there is at least one city in this fucking country that puts my hometown, Chicago, to shame in regards to corruption.

7) The hookers. No matter how filthy and disgusting the hookers are in your hometown, they are worse in New Orleans

8) The cemeteries. I know you can’t bury people below ground since the water table is 9 feet above you, but seeing coffins resting on top of the ground is creepy to those who aren’t from there

9) The drinking water. New Orleans is at the bottom of the Mississippi River. Some major cities based on the river are Minneapolis, St. Paul, St Louis, Memphis and Baton Rouge. Never mind other major cities whose water dumps into the Mississippi which is like basically every major city in the US east of the Continental Divide. They say the average glass of water you drink from the tap there has already been through 10 people. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Appetizing. Furthermore, no major city in the US gives more boil orders than New Orleans.  I mean, who the fuck wants to brush their teeth without exposing themselves to a deadly parasite after all?

10) King Baby is the creepiest thing on this planet this side of PuppyMonkeyBaby.

Next week, we get reacquainted with the #1 national nemesis.  Who is that you ask?  Well, he goes by the name of Florida man.  It’s one part hillbilly, one part geriatric fuckhead, one part meth addict and 100% somebody you don’t want to run into during the course of a day.  We travel down to Tampa Bay to sample some of the finest crab legs that Jameis Winston can steal, I mean find for you.