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Can't Miss Slants

What to Hate About Washington DC

Morning Bitches! It’s playoff time. What does that mean? Well, for starters, it means the Lions aren’t going to win any more games. But, also, for the 7th straight season, the Packers will be playing football. Like Manna from Heaven above, we have the good fortune of playing the Washington Redskins, which should give no shortage of material for my hatred and vitriol, so let’s get on with it.

1) Taxation without Representation. There are over 650,000 people living in the city of Washington, DC, and none of them have a representative in Congress.

2) Screw you guys, I’m going home. When the city was founded and planned to become the “Shining City on the Hill” in 1790, it was a perfect 100 square miles. 10 miles by 10 miles. 69 square miles were donated from Maryland and 31 from Virginia. In 1847, Virginia pulled an LKP and welched on its deal in order to keep its True Land. Much of that land today is known as Alexandria and Arlington. The practice is known as retrocession. The constitutionality of the retrocession is up for debate as well as the Supreme Court in 1875 essentially punted on the decision in the case of Phillips vs Payne.

3) Marion Barry. You didn’t think this article would be published without America’s Favorite Crackhead mayor being represented did you? He was caught on tape in 1990 using crack cocaine in a sting operation where he was supposed to also have sex with a woman named Hazel Diane “Rasheeda” Moore. Did this end his political career you ask? Fuck no! This is DC bitch! He got elected mayor of the same fucking town again in 1995. Until he died, he represented the worst run district in the city as well.

4) DC is Hollywood for ugly people. The same rules of image, status and networking apply here for politicians as celebutards in Hollywood, it’s just that you don’t want to see the faces or hairlines of any of these people when you come home.

5) Greed Cameras (Misspelling intentional)  There are literally hundreds of these speed cameras littered all throughout town, all because the town can’t live without the revenue speeding tickets generate but can’t afford to allow officers to sit around clocking you with a radar gun.

6) Rampant poverty. 1 in 3 kids inside the city limits are growing up below the poverty line. That’s right in the shadows of hundreds or thousands of politicians finding any available microphone to tell you what they are doing to help you, there are thousands of kids of whom this nation has failed.

7) HIV. According to a 2009 article in Time Magazine roughly one in 40 DC residents has HIV or full blown AIDS. Talk about birth control. High risk of HIV and an ugly pretentious population.

8) The food best known to the DC area is called a half-smoke which at least is better than the less than half a fuck people around there give to the people they represent. It’s essentially a half beef, half pork hot dog topped with chili, onions and herbs. While delicious, make sure you are within shouting distance of a clean public restroom if you order one because like White Castle sliders, you don’t buy a half-smoke, you more or less rent it for about 20 minutes.

9) The skyline. Well, there is none. The tallest “building” is a monument that is shaped like the dick the temporary residents of DC have been ramming up the nation’s ass for well over 2 centuries.

10) With rent prices like these, you have to be a fucking Rockefeller to rent a studio apartment for Christ sakes.

Bonus piece of hate:  I don’t think I have ever come across a quote that better describes Washington DC than this one by Jarod Kintz.

“To be surrounded by sixty people who make your life miserable is to be at a family reunion. But to be surrounded by 600,000 people who make the whole world miserable is to live in Washington DC.”

Another nugget  I will add, landing at Reagan National just plain sucks.  Since you are not allowed within DC airspace and it hugs the DC boundary as it is just right across the river, you will have to sometimes make an approach at a wicked bank.

If Green Bay advances in the playoffs, next week we will travel either back to Carolina or Arizona, both places where the Packers were beaten by those teams. If not, I will resort to my offseason plan of doing NFL cities one by one until we get to Training camp, starting with Green Bay.