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Can't Miss Slants

NFL 2019 PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS

Another year is upon us, and everyone is wearing their homer goggles and having wet dreams climaxing over their teams untapped and underappreciated roster. Most fan bases will make it through September with stars in their eyes, and the ability to still get it up without a supplement. They will convince themselves that their favorite team still has a chance, because, let’s be honest, most fan bases are littered with fucking morons. By the end of October, half of those fans will be screaming for their backup QB and demanding the head coach be fired, gutted, and fed to rats in the town square.

To be fair, football isn’t science. It’s a team sport, and a thousand factors can affect a team’s ultimate success or demise. Coaching, health, and the immergence of new stars can significantly impact a team’s performance. Ultimately, it comes down to the players on the field. Talent, sure, but often times its things that can’t be measured; instinct, heart, desire.

Power rankings are not a science either. For lack of a better term, they are complete and utter horseshit. Bulletin board material hung at the water cooler. I get no joy (a little) in dashing your hopes. There is no pleasure (some) in twisting this cruel knife. There is very little satisfaction (ROTFLMFAO) in seeing your painful reactions.

I simply do this out of a sense of duty to God, country, and my late, and sadly missed mentor, Cocksnort Periwinkle III. RIPIP old friend.

You’ve waited long enough. Here you go, cunts.

Time to Rank ’em and Spank ’em

RankTeamComments
1New England PatriotsFuck you
2Los Angles RamsFuck your sister
3Kansas City CheifsFuck your mother
4New Orleans SaintsFuck you dog
5Philadelphia EaglesFuck your mom's dog
6Chicago BearsSuperbowl LIV champs
7Los Angles ChargersEat shit
8Pittsburgh SteelersSuck a turd
9Seattle SeahawksLick my Butt
10Dallas CowboysLick his butt
11Minnesota VikingsLick your butt
12Baltimore RavensSlam your dick in a drawer
13Houston Texanspoke your eye out with a dry turd
14Cleveland BrownsPull your lip over your head a swallow
15Green Bay packersTongue punch my fart box
16Atlanta FalconsKYS
17Jacksonville JaguarsDYA
18Carolina PanthersDie already
19Tennessee TitansEat boogers
20Denver BroncosSmoke a pole
21New York JetsFinger bang your cousin
22Buffalo BillsTie your tubes
23Indianapolis ColtsGet snipped
24Detroit LionsFlush your load
25San Francisco 49ersSmile
26New York GiantsStop smiling, you look like a retard
27Oakland Raiderscup your balls and cough
28Tampa Bay BuccaneersEat Ebola cupcakes
29Washington RedskinsDon't vaccinate your kids
30Cincinnati BengalsBend over
31Arizona CardinalsShove your head up your ass
32Miami DolphinsHow's the view?