I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
My how time flies when you’re squirting cum!
Another NFL Off-season has come and gone, and our lives are still mired in shit. The good news is week one of the NFL season is upon us, and we can remain blissfully blind and ignorant to the world around us for the next 22 weeks!
I’ve missed you lovable losers. It’s been a while since I’ve had your undivided attention, so there are a couple of things I’d like to share.
1. Donny hates Hillary Clinton, but he secretly wants to put his D in her V and make a super Republicrat baby.
2. Raji went to the first FYS meetup and decided one was enough. He’d rater throw perfectly good food in the trash than ever meet another internet friend. Comme ci, comme ca.
3. My ex finally moved out.
4. I lost 130 pounds of ugly fat.
5. Nardo had a baby. Actually, Kristi had the baby, but Nardo has to pay for it.
6. LKP is going to have a baby. ( FYS will have articles for at least one more generation).
7. Prep, MaC, and Andy have new jobs. There is hope that all retarded , functionally illiterate bustards may someday be employed.
8. Jammin got laid!
9. JK
This is a very exciting football season to me because.
I hope you feel the same way, but I don’t really care.
Honestly, you can suck a shart out of my jorts for all I care.
Ready?
I’m not not.
Here we go.
Riveting!
This will be my last post. I’ve lost the love.
Peace out, bitches.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Team | Ranking | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Denver Broncos | 1 | They are the champs. Call me a traditionalist. |
| Carolina Panthers | 2 | Cam has a weapon back, and the defense remains strong like bull. |
| Arizona Cardinals | 3 | The Cardinals fizzled out some in 2015, but the roster is perhaps the most complete in the NFL. |
| Seattle Seahawks | 4 | The NFC seems better than the AFC. |
| New England Patriots | 5 | Would perhaps be higher if not for their dirty, stinking, cheating ways. |
| Green Bay Packers | 6 | Remember when I would have had to consider which NFCN Team to put first? Good times. |
| Pittsburgh Steelers | 7 | The offense is set up for success. To bad they lost their love of the D. |
| Cincinnati Bengals | 8 | They were really good before Dalton died. No, for real. |
| Kansas City Chiefs | 9 | Andy Reid is really, really good at having solid teams that fail to really strike fear in the heart of the league. |
| Washington Redskins | 10 | The surprise team a year ago, they should be able to feast on a week division. |
| Oakland Raiders | 11 | The kids are alright. |
| Houston Texans | 12 | Another team earning its ranking in part because of a weak slate of divisional opponents. |
| Minnesota Vikings | 13 | Teddy wasn't the reason they were in the playoffs in 2015. They should still be solid. |
| New York Giants | 14 | New coach. So excite. |
| Buffalo Bills | 15 | They feel like a team poised to make a step towards the postseason. For the 8th straight year. |
| New York Jets | 16 | They deserve to be in the top half of the league on the beard alone. |
| Detroit Lions | 17 | Second year new offensive coordinator system. Stafford already great if gets line help. Calvin great but limited teams creativity. |
| Jacksonville Jaguars | 18 | They seem explosivey. |
| Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 19 | I can see regretting this already. |
| New Orleans Saints | 20 | They could be higher if they had even half of a good defense. But hey, Brees should certainly get another $100M. |
| Indianapolis Colts | 21 | Does Luck kinda Suck? Find out more in 2016. |
| San Diego Chargers | 22 | How does Bosa look with a bolo? |
| Atlanta Falcons | 23 | This is likely too high. |
| Miami Dolphins | 24 | I thought this team would make a leap a year ago. They didn't. Now I think they just are not that good. |
| Dallas Cowboys | 25 | I guess you could say I don't really believe in the Dak Attack. |
| LA Rams | 26 | Gurley gives them a little something, but the defense is poised to regress. |
| Chicago Bears | 27 | Congratulations to Jay Cutler on becoming their longest-tenured player. |
| Tennessee Titans | 28 | Sure |
| Philadelphia Eagles | 29 | Why Not |
| Tennessee Titans | 30 | Its possible Mariota makes me look foolish and drags they up to a top 27 ranking by the end of the year. |
| San Fransisco 49ers | 31 | WHOS GOT IT BETTER THAN US |
| Cleveland Browns | 32 | Any time you have to replace a complete flop for off-field reasons, its good to start with an injury-plagued player who seems unable to adjust his style of play to the NFL and the demands of his own body. |