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Can't Miss Slants

Power Rankings, Week 14: Crossing them Off

An eventful week in the NFL saw a number of contenders lose, the NFC Playoff picture only get foggier, and the Detroit Lions make it into the top five.  What.The.Fuck.  Here’s some rankings.

RANKTEAMHAWT TAEK
1New England PatriotsBack on top of the most important list in the world.
2Kansas City ChiefsIs Andy Reid going to get back to the Super Bowl?
3Dallas CowboysLast week I asked: was the Minnesota game a sign of the Cowboys coming back to earth? I think maybe yes. Down year bro.
4Oakland RaidersNo big shame losing to Andy Reid. Dude's a genius.
5Detroit LionsI honestly cannot fucking believe this shit.
6New York GiantsIt might be PTSD, but I am starting to think this team will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.
7Atlanta FalconsIf they maintain this pace, this is the 8th most prolific offense of all time. Does MVP Matty Ice have three more games to seal the deal?
8Pittsburgh SteelersJust when I thought they were out... they like aren't out anymore.
9Tampa Bay BuccaneersThey seem legit now. So I anticipate they get face-humped by the Cowboys.
10Baltimore RavensPut up a strong effort after a slow start, on the road, against the team on the top. I can't penalize them much. Plus...
11Seattle SeahawksI really wanted to rank Seattle outside the top ten.
12Houston TexansBack to beating in-division opponents, and it feels so good.
13Miami DolphinsJust when this was getting fun, they lose their quarterback.
14Green Bay PackersThe first team to beat Seattle by more than 10 points in almost 6 years. Running the table never felt so good.
15Denver BroncosThey are not out of the running by any means, but things are looking rough for the defending champs.
16Washington RedskinsA win keeps them in the playoff picture for another week.
17Tennessee TitansThe team continues to show signs of life. The future is bright in Tennessee.
18Minnesota VikingsI guess the Packers will have to deal with them as a real wild card contender after all.
19Arizona CardinalsCross them off the playoff contender list.
20Buffalo BillsLikewise. Its ova. Done. Finished.
21Cincinnati BengalsPerennial playoff losers. Not to worry this year. DONE.
22Indianapolis ColtsCongrats on being in the AFC South and thus not unofficially out of the playoffs.
23New Orleans SaintsTrade Breesus for the good of all. Doneso. No playoffs for you.
24Philadelphia Eagles Remember when you were a contender? This week it is unofficially official. Count them out.
25Carolina PanthersAs with the others above, can theoretically get in the playoffs, but this is the week we all know they are done.
26San Diego ChargersRivers sucks now. This is a team that will also not make the playoffs.
27Los Angeles RamsThe best of the officially eliminated teams.
28New York JetsYou can beat the Niners. CONGRATS
29Chicago BearsThanks for all your help, fucksticks.
30Jacksonville JaguarsGabbert: done?
31San Fransisco 49ersChip Smelly, amirite?
32Cleveland Browns0-16! 0-16! 0-16!