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Can't Miss Slants

Power Rankings: Week Nine

The 2016 NFL season has not made a lot of sense, as every seemingly strong team (save one) continues to show at least one significant weakness, and all have been smacked down just when they seemed to be rolling.  But as we head into the ninth week, a few things seem to be clearing up:

  1. The Patriots and Cowboys are the class of the league.
  2. The AFC is better than the NFC.
  3. Both conferences are imbalanced, as the NFC East and AFC West stand alone with 4 and 3 winning teams, respectively.
  4. Cam Newton has a poor fashion sense and doesn’t even understand that on him, unlike fellow fashion-forward athletes Von Miller and Russell Westbrook, it feels forced rather than a natural extension of who he, as a man, is.
  5. The Bears, though recent victors, Still Suck.
  6. RANKTEAMHAWT TAEK
    1New England PatriotsTom Terrific is Better Than Ever As You can See with Appropriate Selective Sampling
    2Dallas CowboysEmmitt is starting to root against the Cowboys out of fear for his legacy.
    3Oakland RaidersThe Baby Raiders are led by future MVP Derek Carr, but are already here to contend.
    4Denver BroncosWithout CJ Anderson, the team is free to fly.
    5Kansas City Chiefs The AFC West is the Best Conference in the History of Football.
    6Pittsburgh SteelersThe Steelers & Company prove the AFC is much stronger than the NFC this year.
    7Minnesota Vikings The Vikings will remain in Free Fall unless Peterson returns as savior.
    8Atlanta FalconsMatt Ryan and the Falcons completely exercised the demons of 2010.
    9Seattle SeahawksEven newly-minted sex fiend Russell Wilson can't outrun the problems with this line.
    10Philadelphia EaglesThe City of Brotherly Love will start infighting if the Eagles can't overcome little sibling syndrome with the Cowboys.
    11Houston TexansNothing feels better than the rare Tru Win.
    12Green Bay PackersA tough loss for an injured team, but the rest of the league is bad.
    13Washington RedskinsHey, some sisters are hot. Its just science.
    14New York GiantsThe NFCE Is the Second Best Conference in History
    15Buffalo BillsRex can't undo hex of Bill.
    16Detroit LionsFollowing the rare TruLoss, Stafford is back out of the MVP race.
    17Tennessee TitansTitans down Jaguars in Preview of Future Home Losses
    18Cincinnati BengalsIt is, in many ways, a southern city.
    19Arizona CardinalsJust when they were getting away from the suck, the Panthers pull them back in.
    20San Diego ChargersOne of the best 3-5 teams ever meng.
    21Miami DolphinsTrying to remain relevant as the AFC separates into haves and not haves.
    22New Orleans Saints
    The Breesus has returned and the Division is within their Grasp.
    23Los Angeles RamsHad a really great and productive bye week.
    24Baltimore RavensHad a really great and productive bye week.
    25Tampa Bay BuccaneersQuestions abound, but the most important is: is Jamies any good?
    26New York JetsRevis Island needs a wall. A beautiful wall. The best wall. Because everyone is invading.
    27Carolina PanthersThe Carolina Panthers showed their true colors... in a press conference. Full of whining.
    28Chicago BearsBig win of the week! Jay Cutler borderline football genius strikes again!
    29San Fransisco 49ers Finally staying out of the headlines, perhaps they have a change to do something productive.
    30Jacksonville JaguarsLondon will reject them as a franchise.
    31Indianapolis ColtsAwful performance against a tough defense. Half-dead Green Bay awaits.
    32Cleveland BrownsFor real. They are probably going to lose every game.