The 2016 NFL season has not made a lot of sense, as every seemingly strong team (save one) continues to show at least one significant weakness, and all have been smacked down just when they seemed to be rolling. But as we head into the ninth week, a few things seem to be clearing up:
- The Patriots and Cowboys are the class of the league.
- The AFC is better than the NFC.
- Both conferences are imbalanced, as the NFC East and AFC West stand alone with 4 and 3 winning teams, respectively.
- Cam Newton has a poor fashion sense and doesn’t even understand that on him, unlike fellow fashion-forward athletes Von Miller and Russell Westbrook, it feels forced rather than a natural extension of who he, as a man, is.
- The Bears, though recent victors, Still Suck.
RANK TEAM HAWT TAEK 1 New England Patriots Tom Terrific is Better Than Ever As You can See with Appropriate Selective Sampling 2 Dallas Cowboys Emmitt is starting to root against the Cowboys out of fear for his legacy. 3 Oakland Raiders The Baby Raiders are led by future MVP Derek Carr, but are already here to contend. 4 Denver Broncos Without CJ Anderson, the team is free to fly. 5 Kansas City Chiefs The AFC West is the Best Conference in the History of Football. 6 Pittsburgh Steelers The Steelers & Company prove the AFC is much stronger than the NFC this year. 7 Minnesota Vikings The Vikings will remain in Free Fall unless Peterson returns as savior. 8 Atlanta Falcons Matt Ryan and the Falcons completely exercised the demons of 2010. 9 Seattle Seahawks Even newly-minted sex fiend Russell Wilson can't outrun the problems with this line. 10 Philadelphia Eagles The City of Brotherly Love will start infighting if the Eagles can't overcome little sibling syndrome with the Cowboys. 11 Houston Texans Nothing feels better than the rare Tru Win. 12 Green Bay Packers A tough loss for an injured team, but the rest of the league is bad. 13 Washington Redskins Hey, some sisters are hot. Its just science. 14 New York Giants The NFCE Is the Second Best Conference in History 15 Buffalo Bills Rex can't undo hex of Bill. 16 Detroit Lions Following the rare TruLoss, Stafford is back out of the MVP race. 17 Tennessee Titans Titans down Jaguars in Preview of Future Home Losses 18 Cincinnati Bengals It is, in many ways, a southern city. 19 Arizona Cardinals Just when they were getting away from the suck, the Panthers pull them back in. 20 San Diego Chargers One of the best 3-5 teams ever meng. 21 Miami Dolphins Trying to remain relevant as the AFC separates into haves and not haves. 22 New Orleans Saints
The Breesus has returned and the Division is within their Grasp. 23 Los Angeles Rams Had a really great and productive bye week. 24 Baltimore Ravens Had a really great and productive bye week. 25 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Questions abound, but the most important is: is Jamies any good? 26 New York Jets Revis Island needs a wall. A beautiful wall. The best wall. Because everyone is invading. 27 Carolina Panthers The Carolina Panthers showed their true colors... in a press conference. Full of whining. 28 Chicago Bears Big win of the week! Jay Cutler borderline football genius strikes again! 29 San Fransisco 49ers Finally staying out of the headlines, perhaps they have a change to do something productive. 30 Jacksonville Jaguars London will reject them as a franchise. 31 Indianapolis Colts Awful performance against a tough defense. Half-dead Green Bay awaits. 32 Cleveland Browns For real. They are probably going to lose every game.