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Puppy Bowl Primer 2015 – Team Fluff

It’s that time of year once again! The weather is cooler, the days are slowly getting longer, and the NFL has one final game to play. That can only mean one thing; the approach of the most anticipated game in American sports! That’s right, it’s almost time for the Eleventh Annual Puppy Bowl!

It’s the television event of the ages! Puppies battle it out on the gridiron to prove once and for all who is top dog.

But the event itself is not the only story; the players are a story all on their own. No quick brown fox will be jumping over these lazy dogs! From humble beginnings to national acclaim, these young stars are as diverse as they are precious. Animal Planet has information on each of these canine marvels, as well as a Live Locker Room Cam for you to view them in action while they prep for the big game.

However, we here at Five Yard Slant have gone one step further and uncovered the exciting stories of each of these lovable pooches. That’s right, our investigative journalism knows no bounds! Investigative reporters John Jedlicka and Patrick Bates have dug deep to give you the best possible puppy-analysis imaginable.

So, without further ado, we give you the 2015 Puppy Bowl line-up. Today we’ll be profiling the puppies of Team Fluff!

The Stars of Team Fluff:

Aaron

Aaron Sex: Male • Breed: Boxer Mix • Age: 14 Weeks

Aaron Pawdgers, one of the best Quarterbarks of his generation, is know as much for his hilarious commercials as his talent on the gridiron.  However, it is said that he likes to hump the legs of his male owners more than anything


Bailey

Sex: Female • Breed: Labrador Retriever • Age: 14 Weeks

Bailey “the Blitzing Bitch” Capers, as she’s know in the media, is know for her aggressive attacking style on the defensive side of the ball. Unfortunately, it leaves her open to option attacks, and whenever she is faced with a running threat she typically just poops on the floor.

Bailey

Cheyenne

Cheyenne Sex: Female • Breed: Chihuahua Mix • Age: 12 Weeks

Cheyenne is a newcomer to the league, having just become eligible for the PFL’s age limit in the draft.  Taken in the first round by the Tampa Bay Barkaneers, so  question her moral standing and intelligence. Having stolen the neighbors’ paper, and having been heard yelling “Hump her right in the leg area!”


Chicklet

Sex: Female • Breed: Australian Shepherd Mix • Age: 16 Weeks

Some say Chicklet looks more like a cricket wicket with those ears. Don’t be fooled, though, the Shepherd from down under knows how to bring the thunder.

Chicklet

Crimson

Crimson Sex: Male • Breed: Jack Russel Terrier Mix • Age: 16 Weeks

Crimson, an all pro wide retriever, was just traded to the Chicago Fleas to team up with his old QB, Stray Cutler.  Not everyone is sure this matchup will work, however, as Cutler has always had a dour disposition. Plus, it’s said Crimson once bit his own girlfriend.


Donnie

Sex: Male • Breed: German Shepherd Mix • Age: 16 Weeks

Donnie is a little on the crazy side, but when he’s not dragging his anal gland across the artificial turf, he shows a good burst and can sniff out the goal line.

Donnie

Dougie

Dougie Sex: Male • Breed: Labrador Retriever Mix • Age: 16 Weeks

Dougie “doug doug” Dougerson is one of the brightest up-and-comers the league has ever seen.  Fresh out of Bark So Hard University, he is one of the fastest and toughest ball chasers in the game.  Look for him to be a favorite for Most Valuable Pup.


Rosa

Sex: Female • Breed: Cocker Spaniel • Age: 12 Weeks

Rosa is better known for her looks than her brawn, but don’t let those luscious locks fool you, her bite is worse than her bark. After stomping on the paws of several opponents, Rosa is fresh off of her suspension from the league, and ready to chew at the legs of the competition.

Rosa

Freckles

Freckles Sex: Male • Breed: Hound Mix • Age: 12 Weeks

Freckles just wants to know why in the hell his parents gave him such a stupid name. That anger brings a fire to his game and makes this one tough dog to dodge.


Fritz

Sex: Male • Breed: Mini Schnauzer • Age: 15 Weeks

Ich bin ein Berliner! This nasty German youth will come at you like the blitzkrieg and lay siege on the frauleins. Don’t expect any mercy when the opposing offense is screaming “NEIN!”

Fritz

Hemingway

Hemingway Sex: Male • Breed: Great Pyrenees Mix • Age: 16 Weeks

Hemingway is the muscle behind this team’s defense.  Coming into the league from Wagconsin University, he has done nothing but dominate the line of scrimmage.  Looking to get him a slice of the MVP pie, his team has started using him in offense formations as well, but given he’s the only star on his non-playoff squad, he probably doesn’t have a chance.


Jamison

Sex: Male • Breed: Pit Bull Terrier Mix • Age: 14 Weeks

Jamison, named after his favorite drink, is best known for his off-the-field antics and numerous suspensions from the league.  Though he swears that his urine samples have been tampered with, it’s well known that he marks his territory in the sketchier parts of town.

Jamison

Keno

Keno Sex: Male • Breed: Terrier Mix • Age: 12 Weeks

Keno, the scrappy little tailback that could, is such an inspirational story.  Having been the runt of the litter his whole life, nobody ever expected this tiny terror to show such fierceness on the field.  Look for him to tear up the turf, as well as a pant leg or two.


Panda

Sex: Female • Breed: Pomeranian • Age: 13 Weeks

Panda “The Bear” Jones is one of the scariest competitors in this year’s Puppy Bowl.  Panda has broken the spirits, and squeakers, of countless chew toys, and has put to rest more than a few stuffed animals. Having been involved in a recent controversy surrounding deflated tennis balls, look for him to play hard to overcome the media’s image of him.

Panda