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Can't Miss Slants

Random Offseason Power Rankings

Random, irrelevant, and sure to make someone lose their god damn mind.

 

Enjoy.

RankTeamComment
1Denver BroncosMaybe Von Miller can QB
2New England PatriotsBilly B has enough time to figure out rules to skirt while Brady is suspended
3Arizona CardinalsCarson Palmer in the playoffs. woof.
4Seattle SeahawksEvery time a Lynch ends Gundy sheds a single tear
5Carolina PanthersGettleman you do such weird things. My official diagnosis is that you're a sadist.
6Pittsburgh SteelersHeinz Ketchup squirting bitches.
7Cincinnati BengalsI bet Andy Dalton doesn't even know what a pickle string is.
8Green Bay PackersFailing to reach expectations since 2011.
9Houston TexansNo offense but you have a pretty ok defense.
10Minnesota VikingsTeddy B and co gonna go all the way to the super bowl. Its a bowling alley in Appleton, WI. Should be a good team building activity for them in January.
11Kansas City ChiefsThe only reason Andy Reid is still here is because he thinks he coaches the chefs.
12Indianapolis ColtsThis team has so much bad Luck they should shove their horseshoe logos up their asses. For science.
13Baltimore RavensThe season needs to start ASAP. Need to lower that Baltimore crime rate.
14Oakland RaidersVery solid moves. Then again the same can be said about my bowels this morning.
15Washington RedskinsOMG can you be any more insensitive to the native american population? I mean really? Out of all the bad things done to them this literally has to be the worst.
16New York JetsEither Brandon Marshall is cursed or only shitty teams want to deal with him. Either way have fun with no playoffs again.
17Dallas CowboysHow bout them Cowboys? No really how bout them? A colonoscopy is more interesting to me than this team.
18New York GiantsEli Manning is back to the kiddie table at Thanksgiving thanks to his big brother.
19Atlanta FalconsRemember that time you were relevant?
20Buffalo BillsRemember that time you lost 4 straight super bowls.
21New Orleans SaintsDrew Brees should ask for a raise for having to deal with this nonsense.
22Philadelphia EaglesDougie P, all those years of wearing that visor and holding that clipboard finally paid off.
23Jacksonville JaguarsYour helmets are uglier than Taylor Swift.
24Detroit LionsOh, oh, oh, I have a really good joke for here... it goes something something Marvin Jones will replace Calvin Johnson's production.
25Chicago BearsShea McClellin may be gone but will never be forgotten.
26Miami DolphinsFlipper thinks you're all a bunch of bitches.
27San Diego ChargersI can see why Junior Seau went out when he did. Too soon?
28Los Angeles RamsNewsflash St Louis, you're such a shitty city that the rams would rather play in that shithole Colosseum than stay there one more day.
29Tampa Bay BuccaneersThe average win percentage for a Buccaneers coach is .338. But I'm sure switching coaches again should help the problem.
30Tennessee TitansShould strike while the iron is hot and change your nickname to the transgenders. At least then people might root for you.
31Cleveland BrownsWhen in doubt, pick up the team and move to a different city and rake in the Championships.
32San Francisco 49ersChip Kelly shouldn't be trusted to run a Burger King.