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Can't Miss Slants

True Power Rankings

Week 2 of the NFL season is mercifully over. Some teams won, some teams lost, while a select few earned true wins at my discretion. Let’s take a look at the true rankings of power across the NFL to honor the man, the myth, the legend, MIB.

  1. New England Patriots (2-0)- I know you’ve found a new way to cheat but you did beat the Cardinals and Dolphins even while missing key players. System QB?
  2. Denver Broncos (2-0)-Ride that defense like a horse faced Elway.
  3. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0)-Terry Bradshaw is still drunk from celebrating your win over the Bengals in 1978.
  4. Minnesota Vikings (2-0)-Sam Brademargherd you beat Green Bay. I enjoyed that. We’ll see if you have a true defense against Carolina, beating that bum Aaron Rodgers doesn’t count. Peterson took a switch to the leg though. You’ll disappoint someone very soon.
  5. Arizona Cardinals (1-1)-One step closer to Palmer playing terribly in the playoffs.
  6. Houston Texans (2-0)-Revenge on KC for the beat down from the playoffs. Bill O’Brien’s butt chin has many powers.
  7. Carolina Panthers (1-1)-retardedhats.com
  8. Seattle Seahawks (1-1)- Wilson can’t scramble around and make a fluke play on one leg.
  9. New York Giants (2-0)- Martin Mayhew really turned things around in New York.
  10. Philadelphia Eagles (2-0)- Jim Schwartz really turned things around in Philadelphia. But maybe beat a non-shitty team. Browns and Bears don’t count.
  11. Baltimore Ravens (2-0)- Browns and Bills don’t count.
  12. Kansas City (1-1)- This is the year Andy Reid goes full Walrus.
  13. Detroit Lions (1-1). True 2-0. Remember the Titans got lucky.
  14. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1)- No cheap shots on the Steelers this time. You still lost though
  15. Green Bay Packers (1-1)- Rodgers regression.
  16. New York Jets (1-1)- Marshall and Forte look great together. They should have joined forces sooner.
  17. Oakland Raiders (1-1)-Losing at home in Oakland. Las Vegas here you come.
  18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)- Winston!!! Winston!!!! *ghost train goes through Winston*. And then Arizona crushed you.
  19. Atlanta Falcons (1-1)-Dirty Bird. No seriously take a shower, you stink and lost to the Bucs.
  20. San Diego Chargers (1-1). You should be 2-0 but you blew a lead. Glad you exposed Jacksonville as a fraud.
  21. New Orleans Saints (0-2)- You finally play some defense but then your offense dies.
  22. San Francisco 49ers (1-1)- Great Week 1 then you were on your knees faster than Kaepernick during the anthem.
  23. Los Angeles Rams (1-1)- New town same shit. Maybe a little more silicone. Be thankful Wilson is a gimp.
  24. Dallas Cowboys (1-1)- Dak Attack is Back Jack. Redskins fans are so sad now, I use their tears in to salt my burnt popcorn at work.
  25. Miami Dolphins (0-2)- Spend all that money on Suh. You need Tunsil’s gas mask for how much you stink.
  26. Indianapolis Colt (0-2)- Bad Luck in the secondary. Good Luck at QB.
  27. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2)- Media hype is worthless just like this team.
  28. Tennessee Titans (1-1). Fluke win was a bunch of Mularkey. Lions dominated until Ansah and all their linebackers died. You’ll be back to the basement soon enough. Remember that Titans.
  29. Buffalo Bills (0-2)- Looks like Rex Ryan put his foot in his mouth again about the Bills chances
  30. Washington Redskins (0-2)- You don’t like that!!!!
  31. Cleveland Browns (0-2)- Josh McCown was great until the Browns curse kicked in. Bring back Bernie Kosar.
  32. Alabama Crimson Tide
  33. Chicago Bears (0-2)- Bears still too high.