I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
My fellow Austrians, I shall not be seeing you again perhaps for a very long time. I would like to sing for you now… a love song. I know you share this love. I pray that you will never let it die.
- Captain Georg Von Trapp
Tomorrow I am having surgery, and my recovery is expected to be 6-8 weeks. I can tell from the salty tears of our Packer brethren that many of you still do not fully understand the nature of the game of football which binds us. I’ve decided to put out one final power ranking in the hope that I might enlighten you, so you can enjoy the playoffs and are not taken totally off guard when the Bears win their second Superbowl.
Packers fans will tel you it’s a down year in the NFL. It’s not their fault, they’re entitled pricks. They will come around in about a decade after they have suffered like a normal fan base.
Prepare yourself for a lot of “Who Dat?” and “Geaux Saints!”. I know how annoying it can be, but trust me, it won’t last. They will take a super dump in the superdome come playoff time.
THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! YOU WANNA CROWN THEIR ASS, GO AHEAD AND CROWN THEIR ASS! No, seriously, crown their ass. They will be your next Superbowl Champions, and most likely win 3 of the next 4.
Lastly, know that if I die from surgery, I never liked you.
Time to Rank ‘Em and Spank ‘Em
| Rank | Team | Comments |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Chicago Bears | Executive of the year Coach of the Year Defensive player of the year Awesomeness |
| 2 | New Orleans Saints | You may feel slighted now, but you will realize that you're ranked appropriately when you get your asses handed to your, in your own building, in the NFCC game. |
| 3 | San Diego Chargers | Looking good and playing well, but you just don't pass the smell test. |
| 4 | Kansas City Chiefs | Crazy high octane offense. You can't pass defense 101, and you're about to get the 500 level course in the playoffs. |
| 5 | Los Angeles Rams | You're not the first team the Bears have fuck psychologically, but you may be the saddest example. |
| 6 | Houston Texans | You lost to the Colts and scraped by the Jets. You're just not ready. |
| 7 | Pittsburgh Steelers | I had to throw a few AFC teams in the top 12. |
| 8 | New England Patriots | You morons committed to Brady for 2 more years. |
| 9 | Baltimore Ravens | Defense travels. It would be nice if you could pack an offense. |
| 10 | Dallas Cowboys | Jerry Jones is retarded, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. |
| 11 | Seattle Seahawks | As long as Pete Carrol can chew gum at 80 MPH, you have a chance. |
| 12 | Philadelphia Eagles | Saved by Nick Foles...AGAIN |
| 13 | Indianapolis Colts | More like Andrew Cuck. |
| 14 | Washington Redskins | Who's your QB? I don't care. You're 14 for now. |
| 15 | Tennessee Titans | People are underestimating you. Hint: There's a reason. |
| 16 | Cleveland Browns | Most improved team. It will be fun watching you solidifying your place in the middle of the pack over the next 10 years. |
| 17 | Miami Dolphins | Bears can't play in the heat, you can't handle the cold. |
| 18 | Minnesota Vikings | You will go as far as Kirk Cousins can take you. I probably have you ranked too high. |
| 19 | Denver Broncos | The NFL version of Sybil. |
| 20 | Carolina Panthers | You can keep that sweep broom packed! |
| 21 | Cincinnati Bengals | I haven't payed any attention to you all year. Your record says you suck. |
| 22 | New York Giants | The fact that your head coach thinks Eli still has "several" good years left, says all we need to know. |
| 23 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | If there was only some way to shove Jameis Winston up Ryan Fitzpatrick's ass. |
| 24 | Detroit Lions | I have literally run out of ways to express your ineptitude. |
| 25 | Green Bay Packers | It will be years before your entitled cunt fan base realize what has happened, but I got you covered. |
| 26 | Atlanta Falcons | On the bright side, this is way less embarrassing than 28-3 |
| 27 | Buffalo Bills | Your proximity to Canada has rubbed off. |
| 28 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Lions of the South? Browns of the future? Just get it over with and move to England. |
| 29 | San Francisco 49ers | I'm gonna need you to pull one more rabbit out of your head and beat the Rams. |
| 30 | New York Jets | You're probably among the best at finding new ways to suck. |
| 31 | Arizona Cardinals | For dust you are, and to dust you shall return. Genisis 3:19 |
| 32 | Notre Dame Fighting Irish | Congrats on your upcoming National Championship! |
| 33 | Oakland Raiders | Oops. almost forgot you. Who the fuck would want Kahlil Mack or Amari Cooper? |