/* Google Analytics Code */ /* Google Analytics Code End*/ /* Hide-Show Comments Code */
Can't Miss Slants

Week 15 Power Rankings

Fuck The Packers

Proctologistics

 

My fellow Austrians, I shall not be seeing you again perhaps for a very long time. I would like to sing for you now… a love song. I know you share this love. I pray that you will never let it die.

  • Captain Georg Von Trapp

Tomorrow I am having surgery, and my recovery is expected to be 6-8 weeks. I can tell from the salty tears of our Packer brethren that many of you still do not fully understand the nature of the game of football which binds us. I’ve decided to put out one final power ranking in the hope that I might enlighten you, so you can enjoy the playoffs and are not taken totally off guard when the Bears win their second Superbowl.

Packers fans will tel you it’s a down year in the NFL. It’s not their fault, they’re entitled pricks. They will come around in about a decade after they have suffered like a normal fan base.

Prepare yourself for a lot of “Who Dat?” and “Geaux Saints!”. I know how annoying it can be, but trust me, it won’t last. They will take a super dump in the superdome come playoff time.

THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! YOU WANNA CROWN THEIR ASS, GO AHEAD AND CROWN THEIR ASS! No, seriously, crown their ass. They will be your next Superbowl Champions, and most likely win 3 of the next 4.

Lastly, know that if I die from surgery, I never liked you.

Time to Rank ‘Em and Spank ‘Em

RankTeamComments
1Chicago BearsExecutive of the year
Coach of the Year
Defensive player of the year
Awesomeness
2New Orleans SaintsYou may feel slighted now, but you will realize that you're ranked appropriately when you get your asses handed to your, in your own building, in the NFCC game.
3San Diego ChargersLooking good and playing well, but you just don't pass the smell test.
4Kansas City ChiefsCrazy high octane offense. You can't pass defense 101, and you're about to get the 500 level course in the playoffs.
5Los Angeles RamsYou're not the first team the Bears have fuck psychologically, but you may be the saddest example.
6Houston TexansYou lost to the Colts and scraped by the Jets. You're just not ready.
7Pittsburgh SteelersI had to throw a few AFC teams in the top 12.
8New England PatriotsYou morons committed to Brady for 2 more years.
9Baltimore RavensDefense travels. It would be nice if you could pack an offense.
10Dallas CowboysJerry Jones is retarded, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
11Seattle SeahawksAs long as Pete Carrol can chew gum at 80 MPH, you have a chance.
12Philadelphia EaglesSaved by Nick Foles...AGAIN
13Indianapolis ColtsMore like Andrew Cuck.
14Washington RedskinsWho's your QB? I don't care. You're 14 for now.
15Tennessee TitansPeople are underestimating you. Hint: There's a reason.
16Cleveland BrownsMost improved team. It will be fun watching you solidifying your place in the middle of the pack over the next 10 years.
17Miami DolphinsBears can't play in the heat, you can't handle the cold.
18Minnesota VikingsYou will go as far as Kirk Cousins can take you. I probably have you ranked too high.
19Denver BroncosThe NFL version of Sybil.
20Carolina PanthersYou can keep that sweep broom packed!
21Cincinnati BengalsI haven't payed any attention to you all year. Your record says you suck.
22New York GiantsThe fact that your head coach thinks Eli still has "several" good years left, says all we need to know.
23Tampa Bay BuccaneersIf there was only some way to shove Jameis Winston up Ryan Fitzpatrick's ass.
24Detroit LionsI have literally run out of ways to express your ineptitude.
25Green Bay PackersIt will be years before your entitled cunt fan base realize what has happened, but I got you covered.
26Atlanta FalconsOn the bright side, this is way less embarrassing than 28-3
27Buffalo BillsYour proximity to Canada has rubbed off.
28Jacksonville JaguarsLions of the South? Browns of the future? Just get it over with and move to England.
29San Francisco 49ersI'm gonna need you to pull one more rabbit out of your head and beat the Rams.
30New York JetsYou're probably among the best at finding new ways to suck.
31Arizona CardinalsFor dust you are, and to dust you shall return.
Genisis 3:19
32Notre Dame Fighting IrishCongrats on your upcoming National Championship!
33Oakland RaidersOops. almost forgot you.
Who the fuck would want Kahlil Mack or Amari Cooper?