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Can't Miss Slants

What to Hate About Atlanta

Welcome to Atlanta where the players play, and our teams don’t win shit, like everyday. Seriously the city of Atlanta hasn’t won a Championship in the 4 major sports since 1995, and before that …………..give me a minute here ………………. NEVER! Atlanta, while it doesn’t have a hockey team anymore, since the Thrashers moved to Winnipeg to become the Jets part deux, and the Flames left for Calgary in 1980. Seriously, hockey in the south does not work.

1) Do you love taxpayer money going to new stadiums every 20 years? If so, move to Atlanta, The Georgia Dome, which opened in 1992 mind you is getting replaced, probably because they needed the crowd noise to stay inside the stadium, not just the stuff produced by the PA system. Turner Field, home of the Braves, started hosting Braves games in 1997. Yup! That places is too old too. Gotta replace that piece of disgusting rot as well.

2) Hey fuckhead! It’s College Park, not Colla Par

3) While you’re at it dickhead, can you build a fucking road that goes straight N-S or E-W? Jesus fucking Christ, sometimes I feel that reading a map of Atlanta is what keeps Aleve in business.

4) There are other names to call your streets than Peachtree dickhead! In Atlanta you could be on Peachtree, Street, Peachtree Creek Road, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree, Avenue, Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Drive,Peachtree Way, Peachtree Plaza, Peachtree Memorial Drive, Peachtree Walk, New Peachtree Road, Peachtree Park Drive, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Valley Road, Peachtree Battle Avenue, Peachtree Dunwoody Road and Old Peachtree Road.  Jesus fucking Christ!

5) Despite of all those fucking streets named Peachtree, the term Peachtree is historically inaccurate. The Creek people called the area Standing Pitch Tree, which is due to the sappiness of the Georgia Pine Trees, not Peach Trees which are not native to the area.

6) Hartsfield Airport fucking sucks! I live in Chicago and I know something about busy airports but in Atlanta, you go through security first and then break up into your designated terminal. Why? Why can’t you divvy the people up to their specific terminal and then have them go through security there? Instead of it taking 10-15 minutes by doing it smartly, it takes 45 minutes to an hour.

7) It’s all fucking sprawl! A city of 400,000 surrounded by more than 5,000,000 people in the burbs.

8) Pollen.  Late March to early April is utter hell if you are allergic

9) Summer.  100 degrees  and humid radiating off of the concrete.  Where do I sign up?

10) Winter drivers.  Atlanta absolutely shuts down at the slightest threat of snow.  I was down there in January of 2004, staying at a hotel off of I-20 and Thornton Rd.  There was a threat of a 1″ snowfall and a Super Wal-Mart across the Road from my hotel.  I went over there to get a disposable razor and due to this forecast, it was sold out of bottled water, bread and canned food.  It’s like they were hunkering down for the fucking apocalypse or some shit.

Big shout out to the ATL (seriously don’t call it Hotlanta, they fucking hate that shit) for being the home to a few of my favorite rappers, first being the group OutKast, and secondly Ludacris.   Next week we continue our wave of destruction in the NFC South and head on down to New Orleans to eat something that is probably delicious,  but I probably wouldn’t order it on a menu if I knew what was in it.