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Can't Miss Slants

What to Hate About Seattle

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! What’s that smell? It’s coffee fuckhead, birthplace of Starbucks. Just to illustrate how much this coffee that smells and tastes like it is burnt has infiltrated everyday America, there are 7,559 of these fucking stand alone places in the country, and an additional 4,962 more licensed places that are inside places like libraries, grocery stores, gas stations and book stores making a grand total of 12,521. By comparison, there are approximately 14,300 McDonald’s in the country. Furthermore, the amount of new Starbucks is growing at about a 5:1 rate of New McDonald’s. By 2020 we might have more Starbucks than McDonald’s in this country. Jesus Fucking Christ. And if this isn’t enough reason to hate Seattle, here are 10 more reasons for you.

1) The Space Needle. It costs $21 to ride up the elevator to the top of the Space Needle which is only 605 feet tall. The observation deck is only 520 feet off of the ground. So basically you are paying $84 for a family of 4 to ride an elevator for a view that most people in major cities can get from their office.

2) Kale. Seriously is there a place that eats more of this shit per person? Get this vile weed the fuck out of my face you worthless cunt.

3) Utilikilts. Once upon a time a man was looking through his wife’s closet and came upon the skirts, tried them on and said to himself “Boy this shit is comfortable. If only they made a heavier version that chafed my skin and costs me a fucking fortune. With that, the utilikilt was born.  Word to the wise, be careful when looking upward while going up a ladder in this town as people don’t wear anything underneath them.

4) The traffic. The major problem with the design of the city is it is shoehorned between two immovable bodies of water creating a vast fuckton of chokepoints. Nice going dickhead, to whoever designed this shit.

5) Do you love natural disasters? If so, you will love Seattle. Earthquakes? Check, Volcanoes? Check, Mudslides? Check, Flooding? Check, Tsunamis? Check. Basically if you want to die, move to Seattle and let Mother Nature put you out of your fucking misery.

6) Trendy sports fans. Before Super Bowl XLVIII, the city of Seattle had not been home to a Major Sports Championship since 1979 (sorry WNBA fans if you actually exist) and suddenly Seattle has the best of everything, well, according to them anyway. Lose and get the fuck out of my town you worthless frontrunning sack of monkey shit!

7) Rain, rain go away. While Seattle doesn’t get as much rain (36.5 inches) as many other cities like Boston (43.8) inches) or New York (44.7 inches), it makes up for the lack of rain in frequency by raining nearly 40 days more per year than either of those towns. It means constant grey skies, lack of sun and a prevailing misery that comes with no fucking sunshine. No wonder the suicide rate is so high.

8) The cops actually ticket Jaywalkers! And on top of that, it’s a $56 fine. What the fuck is this? Singapore?

9) The Seattle Freeze. No, it’s not weather related. Seattle is just about the coldest place to newcomers. They don’t want you there, so don’t expect your new neighbors to bake you a warm apple pie if you happen to move there.

10)  Oh and by the way, can I watch a Seattle sporting event on TV without seeing a fish being thrown in the Pike Place Market? But if you must show us that, can you rig it so someone gets hit in the face with the fish?