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Can't Miss Slants

Why Cincinnati Sucks

Welcome to the Queen City. Where humidity reigns and the football team is cursed.  In my estimation the only redeeming quality of  Cincinnati is that they are too smart to be fans of the Buckeyes.  The suburbanites are all Kentucky fans and the natives choose between Cincinnati and Xavier. Here are 10 reasons to hate Cincinnati.

1) They are as good as Donny is at finishing projects. In the early part of the 20th century Cincinnati wanted to replace it’s street car system with a subway. Funding ran out and the project halted never to be resurrected. Not many people know about it but 250 people per year still take tours of the stalled project.

2) Skyline Chili can eat a bag of dicks. Shitty Chili on top of spaghetti might be the white-trashiest food that any city in America is known for.  Skyline Chili is so bad, that not even Cleveland wants to associate its good name with you.

3) Jerry Springer. Not only is he from there, they once elected that fucker Mayor.  Not only that, but he also was a news anchor for WLWT-TV in town.

4) The Bengals. Seriously how the fuck do you have a longer active streak of not winning in the playoffs than the fucking Lions?

5) All that separates you from Kentucky is a bridge. Also if you fly into Cincinnati, you are landing in Kentucky

6) They don’t take credit for the design of the Brooklyn Bridge. Look at the Roebling Suspension Bridge connecting Cincy to Covington and tell me it doesn’t look like the Brooklyn Bridge. And oh yeah it went up first.

7) People actually swim in the Ohio River. Every now and then, you will see something found in the river that you have seen on River Monsters.

8) Porkopolis.  Between 1820 and 1930 Cincinnati was the pork processing capitol of America (#it’ssomething) and earned the nickname Porkopolis.  No wonder this city is hostile to Jews and Muslims.

9) Cincinnati was one of the first cities in America to have air-mail delivery. While that might sound like an accomplishment just be patient with me for a second.  It was a service that ran between Cincinnati and Toledo via hot air balloon.

10) It’s the home to more US Presidents that nobody gives a flying fuck about than anywhere in the country.  William Howard Taft, Rutherford B. Hayes, Ulysses S. Grant, William Henry Harrison and Benjamin Harrison.  Well, I guess Taft is known for being a fucking fatass and William Henry Harrison is known for dying one month into his term.  So they got that going for them, which is nice.

Next week, we stay in the State of Ohio and visit the “Mistake by the Lake” in Cleveland, whose main claim to fame is that it is not as awful as Detroit, but that is really debateable