/* Google Analytics Code */ /* Google Analytics Code End*/ /* Hide-Show Comments Code */
Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 6 NFL Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

As most of you know, I took this weekend off to emasculate myself, in the hopes that I may one day own another riding mower.

If all went as planned, I’m most likely buck naked, ass up in a ditch searching for my wallet and keys. In order not to disappoint my loyal readers, I took the liberty of predicting the outcomes of this weekends games, and proactively ranking the teams based on my unequaled skill, knowledge, and prowess as the preeminent power ranker of our times.

Who wins?

Glove is wearing a Def Leppard T-shirt cut off at the midriff, an imitation goat skin loin clothe, and Mike Eruzione’s skates from the 1980 Olympics, with the blades removed for his own safety. He’s armed with a broken spatula and his triangle from eighth grade band class.

Prep is wearing over sized clown shoes (which nobody notices), and Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket over a purple satin evening gown. He’s armed with a sick set of Nerf throwing stars and a tortoise shell.

The scene is an abandoned warehouse in Detroit littered with used condoms, hypodermic needles, and LKP’s tears.

The theme song is, My Heart Will Go On from the Titanic.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 18)

1469 – Ferdinand and Isabella marry. It took over five and a half centuries, but much like the Catholic monarchs, Donald Trump believes in expelling the Jews and the Muslims from our great country and increasing taxes and restricting liberties for most Jews and non-Christians. Stand by for the American inquisition.

1767 – Mason and Dixon draw line. Some may think it arbitrary, but it was largely based on IQ.

1867 – United States takes possession of Alaska. Jebediah Palin becomes first US citizen to see Russia without the aid of binoculars.

1898 – United States takes control of Puerto Rico. 119 yeas later, the sitting United States President is informed that Puerto Ricans are, indeed, American citizens.

WHO’S HOT

Adriana Lima.

WHO’S NOT

Taylor Swift

YOU SAID IT

TheHairy – How can the Vikings move up 4 spots after that performance last night – they should have moved down 4 instead

MIB – This is pretty complex, but I’ll try to keep it simple. I do what I want, bitch.

Bp – Bears, if we are being honest, too high.

MIB – Well, if we’re going to be completely honest, I know paper bags that are better lawyers than you.

G&G – Like for real, the power rankings articles are my favorites

MIB – Each week, someone comes along who restores my faith in humanity. Well done, young man.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
Kansas City Chiefs6-0Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeeeeeling!
2
(2)
Green Bay Packers5-1Aaron Rodgers season ending hemorrhoids is going to be tough to overcome.
3
(4)
Philadelphia Eagles5-1Cam Newton?
More like fig Newton.
HAHAHAHA!
4
(5)
Atlanta Falcons4-1I expect a huge game from Cutler. You should get 3 or 4 picks.
5
(6)
Denver Broncos4-1Be careful, this could be a trap game. The Giants are going to come out energized looking for that first win...
Sorry, I can't do this with a straight face.
6
(7)
New England Patriots4-2Jets about to get a hot Belichick injection up their ass.
7
(3)
Carolina Panthers4-2I'm with Cam, I giggle ever time I think of a chick trying to do my rankings.
8
(11)
Baltimore Ravens4-2Up you go, assuming you don't get Trubiskied.
9
(9)
Buffalo Bills3-2I predict you don't lose your bye.
10
(8)
Minnesota Vikings3-3The only way you own the Packers is if you buy some of their worthless stock.
11
(12)
Detroit Lions4-2It's hard, even for me, to imagine you losing to a bitch team like the Saints.
12
(13)
Oakland Raiders3-3Playing the Chargers nurses a lot of teams back to health.
13
(14)
Arizona Cardinals3-3I'm going out on a limb and assuming that since Jamis Winston is my Fantasy QB, he'll have a terrible game.
14
(15)
Washington Redskins3-2It's not that I have faith in you, per say, it's just that the 49ers are determined to suck ass.
15
(16)
Los Angles Rams3-3You probably lost, and now I'M the one who looks like an ass.
16
(10)
Pittsburgh Steelers3-3Ben has another 5 pick game, and goes back to raping women in nightclub bathrooms.
17
(17)
Seattle Seahawks3-2I'd drop your cunt asses, but you're not playing this week.
18
(18)
Houston Texans3-3That was amazing when J. J. Watt tore off is broken leg and threw it on the field to make the saving tackle on what would have been a game winning drive for Cleveland.
19
(19)
Dallas Cowboys2-3Bye week. Looks like we have to wait another week to see if any of you have the balls to stand up to Jerry Jones.
20
(28)
Tennessee Titans3-3My only prediction here is Monday Night Football will have it's lowest ratings in over 10 years.
21
(20)
New York Jets3-3All good things must come to an end.
STRK: L1
22
(21)
New Orleans Saints2-3I wouldn't be the least bit upset if I were wrong, and you retards beat the Lions.
23
(22)
Jacksonville Jaguars3-3If you guys could do me a favor and lose at home to the Rams, I'd look REALLY good here.
24
(24)
Cincinnati Bengals2-3You have bye.
You're safe, ONE WEEK!
25
(23)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers2-3Buccaneer
Fuckaneer
In Arizona
Suckin' rear
26
(25)
Miami Dolphins2-3All I can see is your O-line coaches eyes glazing over ever time he saw the sideline or a yard marker.
27
(26)
Indianapolis Colts2-4I'd have to predict the outcome of your game regardless, because there's no way I'm watching that shit show on Monday night.
28
(27)
Los Angles Chargers1-5You will lose, this I know, cause the bible tells me so.
29
(29)
Chicago Bears1-5bp thinks you're too high.
I think he's a hack lawyer.
30
(32)
Cleveland Browns0-6As promised, time for the other sucky teams to get there shot at being 32.
31
(30)
New York Giants0-6What's Jason Pierre Paul's favorite card game?
Three finger monte!
32
(31)
San Francisco 49ers0-6Enjoy the week thinking about the #1 draft pick.