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Can't Miss Slants

Hot Teaks

Hot Teaks

The 2018 Season is upon us and that means all of us will have some hot teaks.  I decided to put mine in an article so that when is all said and done, we can look back on this and realize just how smart I am.  Either that or we can all point and laugh; yeah, that’s way more likely.  Anywho (which on of you hates that word? ), on with my teaks.

 

  • Ezekiel Elliott will play 16 games and have less than 1k yards
  • Saquon Barkley will average less than 3.5 yards per carry
  • Aaron Rodgers will be healthy all season but the Packers will miss the playoffs.
  • Alvin Kamara will have 2,000+ all purpose yards
  • Josh Rosen will be the highest rated rookie QB
  • Jameis Winston will have 20+ turnovers.
  • The Chicago Bears will finish 8-8 or better.
  • The Detroit Lions will finish 7-9 or worse.
  • Julio Jones fails to top 1k receiving yards.
  • Jordy Nelson will have more receiving yards and TD’s than Jimmy Graham.
  • The San Francisco 49ers will win make the playoffs.
  • The Minnesota Vikings will lose in the wild card round when Cousins throws a late INT.
  • Minnesota will have a greater rushing offense than Green Bay.

 

Predicted 2018 Standings

NFC South NFC North 
Saints12-4Vikings11-5
Falcons10-6Bears9-7
Panthers7-9Packers8-8
Bucs4-12Lions6-10

 

Predicted 2018 Playoff Teams & Seed

 NFCAFC
1SaintsPats
2EaglesJags
3VikingsSteelers
4RamsChargers
549ersTitans
6BearsRavens

 

The New Orleans Saints will beat the Jacksonville Jaguars at Superb Owl LII in Atlanta by a score of 31 to 24.

 

FYS Not-So-Hot Teaks

  • Glove will get his foot repaired.
  • Donny will break his keyboard typing out “sucks” eleventy-billion times in the comments.
  • MKE will have a lot of LOL’s and SMH’s
  • BP will manage to stay upright on his 2 wheeled, environment saving bicycle.
  • Andy will fuck all the sloots and we’ll be jealous.
  • MiB will have the best power rankings on the World Wide Web.
  • Shooter will learn to enjoy butt play.
  • Jammin will die on many hills.
  • 0125 will contribute to the lung cancer problem.
  • SDL will regale us with some trivia.
  • Prep won’t answer said trivia correctly.
  • LoW will get caught banging a wife and his dick will be cut off.
  • LKP will smash 3 TV’s before he goes comatose by week 3.
  • Ethan will go through the 5 stages of grief by week 3.
  • Curtis will welcome 6 more kids to his family (slow year).
  • Someone will melt because I didn’t include them in this.
  • I will squat 501lbs.