I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Did you know they named winter storms? I didn’t. I had no idea, until I was reading the news this morning. “Winter Storm Bozeman Blasts U. S.”
Why the hell not? There are freeze reports in all 50 states. Think about that. That includes Hawaii, where the temperature at Mauna Kea on the Big Island dropped to 31 degrees.
It got me to thinking, how many inches of dick shrinkage that would add up to? Also, if you added up the length of all the erect nipples, would we have a net gain, or net loss? I’m guessing loss, but who in the hell knows.
Protoplasm, what are you going to do about it?
Week eleven is in the books, and we still can’t crown a Superbowl champ. I can tell you it won’t be the Oakland Raiders. With their tenth loss in a row, the Raiders are officially eliminated from the playoffs. This marks the earliest exit since 2004 Miami Dolphins. There should be some sort of prize for getting eliminated before thanksgiving; a bronze turd, or something.
In The News
The NFL announced that Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, will suspended without pay for at least the remainder of the season. You want to hear the crazy part? It is possible the Peterson could play this Sunday against the Green Bay Packer, pending his appeal. That’s some crazy shit right there.
Rex Ryan was fined $100,000 for the use of profanity after The Jets week 10 upset of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Personally, if I were the NFL, I’d be more offended by the shit show the Jets march out on the field every Sunday.
The Drug Enforcement Administration interviewed the medical staffs of several visiting teams this weekend, and searched for drugs. There has been no indication that any irregularities have been found. THANKS OBAMA!
The Green Bay packers are coming off their second consecutive 50+ point output. This is the first time in Franchise history the team has topped 50 point in two consecutive weeks. I think we all know that Dom Capers deserves most of the credit.
Take your pick. Both the Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants have strung together 5 losses. Here’s the sad part, with three wins, the Panthers are only a half a game out of first place in their division.
You Said It
Ethan – Aliens must look at our probes and spaceships and think “LOL look at these idiots. Nice piece of space junk you got there, fucktards”
LaCW – If they do a space Jam 2 get Kevin Durant or Derrick Rose as the lead not LeBron.
adambballn – Was going to take this girl out to dinner Wednesday…She said how about we just hang out at my place instead. I’m totally having sex.
G & G – I think we should hire a Cricket writer, just to understand the game
Prep – Little did you all know that I had a drone with a camera on it follow you around all last weekend, while I masturbated voraciously to the feed.
JJ – I’d rather be probed by aliens than see a sequel to Space Jam. As for the rest of you, you make me proud to write for such a high class blog.
It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
|Arizona Cardinals||9-1||That savvy Stanton is simply sensational.|
|New England Patriots||8-2||Leave it to Belichick to pull a running back out of his ass.|
|Kansas City Chiefs||7-3||I can't think of a bad thing to say about a team that just beat the Seahawks. Thank you. Well done.|
|Green Bay Packers||7-3||When's the last time Rodgers finished a game at home? What a pussy!|
|Philadelphia Eagles||7-3||Chip, here's something for your coaches notebook; Fast paced offenses against Green Bay give Aaron Rodgers more time with the football. Put that in the "bad" column.|
|Denver Broncos||7-3||I've seen buggered prison inmates with better running games.|
|Detroit Lions||7-3||You sure know how to fuck with a fan base.|
|Dallas Cowboys||7-3||It's mid November. It's about time you shit the bed.|
|San Francisco 49ers||6-4||This seems kind of generous. If Eli throws 4 interceptions, you probably lose.|
|Cincinnati Bengals||6-3-1||Did you ever get the feeling Andy Dalton is just messing with your minds?|
|Pittsburgh Steelers||7-4||LaGarrette Blount got one carry Monday night. He carried his ass off the field before the end of the game. Turns out, that will be his last carry as a Steeler.|
|Baltimore Ravens||6-4||Hmmm...Stashing Jonas Grey on the practice squad.
|Indianapolis Colts||6-4||Gosh, everybody loses big to the Pats.
Oh wait... you were at home.
|Seattle Seahawks||6-4||Beast mode? Least mode!
|Cleveland Browns||6-4||HOYER THE ANNOYER!|
|Miami Dolphins||6-4||The safety was the most exciting play of this game.|
|Houston Texans||5-5||JJ Watt scored an offensive TD. Well' JJ Watt, I'm not going too JJ Watt for it. I have more integrity than to JJ Watt on a single player.|
|San Diego Chargers||6-4||You have more up and downs than Prep's mom.|
|Buffalo Bills||5-5||Potential doesn't win championships.|
|Atlanta Falcons||4-6||Woo Hoo! First place!|
|Saint Louis Rams||4-6||DEA should have drug tested home teams.|
|Chicago Bears||4-6||10th draft pick. Still 6 games to fuck that up.|
|Minnesota Vikings||4-6||Probably not good PR. but I'd play AP if the NFL screws it up.|
|New Orleans Saints||4-6||You need another catastrophic hurricane.|
|Carolina Panthers||3-7-1||1\2 game out of first! keep digging!|
|New York Jets||2-8||Doing good. Chicago's next defensive coordinator needs to watch his P's and Q's though.|
|New York Giants||3-7||Eli, where's your pride? You were two short of the record.|
|Tampa Bay Buccaneers||2-8||Your season rests on defending Lovie's honor.|
|Washington Redskins||3-7||I like Jay Gruden. Honesty is the best policy. Especially when it pisses off your owner and franchise QB!|
|Jacksonville Jaguars||1-9||Have you considered using bubble gum to buy a win?|
|Tennessee Titans||2-8||You under achieve like no other.|
|Oakland Raiders||0-10||NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU! ONE YEAR!|