I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
I RANK, YOU RANK, WE RANK!
But seriously, it’s just me. You’re nice people and all, but yeah…no.
What a week! Packers have taken their proper position on top of the NFC North, the Lions have started their annual slide, every team in the AFC North has licked every slice of the pizza, and the NFC South continues to suck at historical levels.
In 2000, I made a trip to Rome, and I had the privilege of walking through the “Holy Door” at the Vatican. It is a golden door off to the right of the main entrance, and it is only opened every 25 years. They say that when you walk through the door, all of your sins are forgiven.
So, I have that going for me, which is nice.
I wish we had a few more doors like that.
In The News
In Ferguson Missouri, Darren Wilson was not indicted on any charges in the killing of Michael Brown.
Why is race still an issue in society?
I don’t want you to answer me, or anyone else you know. Please take a minute, and ask that question of yourself.
A judge is allowing the Washington Redskins to move ahead with a lawsuit seeking to overturn a cancellation of the team’s trademark. Please see the question above.
On a positive note, the snow is gone in Buffalo. Unfortunately, this means the Bills will have to play at home.
Who’s Hot
The Oakland Raiders! Am I right, or did this cost them the #1 draft choice? No matter, they tend to screw those up anyway.
Who’s Not
The entire NFC South has taken a huge shit.
You Said It
bp – MIB should not be allowed to publish when drunk.
JJ – Sounds like leverage for Mod powers.
Nardo – This is not a family article.
JJ – IT IS IN CHINA!
JMAC3444 – What kind of terrible parent would tell their kid about this place?
JJ – Ed Gein.
It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | New England Patriots | 9-2 | You made Dominic Raiola do bad things. |
| 2 (4) | Green Bay Packers | 8-3 | League MVP is riding on this game. A J Hawk needs to really step it up. |
| 3 (5) | Philadelphia Eagles | 8-3 | Riley Cooper has offended Jeremy Maclin, by talking about playing time. Hmm, I would have thought the N-word would have sufficed. |
| 4 (6) | Denver Broncos | 8-3 | Manning struggles: Broncos release kicker. News at 11. |
| 5 (1) | Arizona Cardinals | 9-2 | Drew Stanton was a backup in Detroit. Just saying. |
| 6 (8) | Dallas Cowboys | 8-3 | That catch by ODB was tits! |
| 7 (3) | Kansas City Chiefs | 7-4 | Were you going for the humanitarian Award? It was the Raiders, for Christ's sake! |
| 8 (9) | San Francisco 49ers | 7-4 | Congrats on your "statement win" against the Washington Racists. |
| 9 (10) | Cincinnati Bengals | 7-3-1 | You're like a Volvo: You're boxy, but you're good. |
| 10 (12) | Baltimore Ravens | 7-4 | Caught the Saints on an off week, huh? |
| 11 (11) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 7-4 | Sorry about your luck. I actually thought you may move up on your bye. |
| 12 (13) | Indianapolis Colts | 7-4 | I'm hardly ever at a loss for words, but you're such a frickin' boring team. That's all I got. |
| 13 (14) | Seattle Seahawks | 7-4 | I haven't put my finger on it, but I think Marshawn Lynch's behavior is somehow related t playing behind a white quarterback. |
| 14 (15) | Cleveland Browns | 7-4 | The Brown's would like you all to stay calm in light of the Ferguson grand jury deision; What...oh... Manzeil be cray, y'all. |
| 15 (7) | Detroit Lions | 7-4 | Slip slidin' away Slip slidin' away You know, the nearer the destination The more you're slip slidin' away |
| 16 (18) | San Diego Chargers | 7-4 | YOUR STADIUM DEPENDS ON... well, nothing really. The NFL is made of cash! |
| 17 (19) | Buffalo Bills | 6-5 | The Bears are willing to offer two first round picks and their sister, for their former backup. |
| 18 (16) | Miami Dolphins | 6-5 | "WE PLAY FOR THREE QUARTERS!" Uh Coach, I think you need a Snickers. |
| 19 (22) | Chicago Bears | 5-6 | If I find out I can sue for irritable bowel syndrome, YOU'RE FUCKED! |
| 20 (17) | Houston Texans | 5-6 | Looks like Clowney clowned ya. |
| 21 (20) | Atlanta Falcons | 4-7 | How do you fire Smith if you win the division? |
| 22 (21) | Saint Louis Rams | 4-7 | You're not helping the situation in Ferguson. |
| 23 (23) | Minnesota Vikings | 4-7 | How's that new stadium coming? |
| 24 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 4-7 | I apologize to hurricane Katrina for mentioning her in my last article about you. |
| 25 (25) | Carolina Panthers | 3-7-1 | Are you shooting for 3-12-1? Sure looks that way. |
| 26 (26) | New York Jets | 2-9 | Sanchez is going to get Ryan fired. Oh, the irony! |
| 27 (27) | New York Giants | 3-8 | The OBJ coverage almost gave the illusion that you won this week. |
| 28 (28) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 2-9 | How does it feel to lose to a zombie lesbian? |
| 29 (29) | Washington Redskins | 3-8 | You're caught in the Snyder/Gruden/Griffin triangle. Good luck with all that. |
| 30 (30) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-10 | You are flirting with moving back to 32. |
| 31 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 1-10 | yay. _Raiders fans |
| 32 (31) | Tennessee Titans | 2-9 | HA! I knew I didn't need to learn your names! |