I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
I’m getting old. Not SDL old, but I’m becoming a curmudgeoning old asshat.
I’ve had a very hard time enjoying watching games this year. Yeah, yeah, I’m a Bears fan, but they’re not the reason. For Christ’s sake, the winning quarterback on Monday Night Football had three interceptions.
The officiating has ben heinous! Fan bases are starting to sympathize with Green Bay Packer fans for the Fail Mary.
Is it possible for the NFL to make the rules on what constitutes a catch more vague?
WTF was Pagano thinking, or more accurately, was he thinking?
Johnny Football. Way to protect the shield!
There are currently nine teams over .500. THAT’S NOT EVEN ONE THIRD OF THE LEAGUE!
For Jesus’ sake, get it right, Rodger!
WEEK 7 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.
I took a thumping this week, due to underachievers overachieving. I was a paltry 8-6, bringing my season total to 60-32 (still better than Deep Fool).
So, here are my week 7 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Seattle | San Francisco (H) |
| Buffalo | Jacksonville (H) |
| Tampa | Washington (H) |
| Atlanta | Tennessee (H) |
| Indianapolis (H) | New Orleans |
| Minnesota | Detroit (H) |
| Pittsburgh | Kansas City (H) |
| St. Louis (H) | Cleveland |
| Houston | Miami (H) |
| New England (H) | New York Jets |
| Oakland | San Diego (H) |
| Dallas | New York Giants (H) |
| Carolina (H) | Philadelphia |
| Arizona (H) | Baltimore |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 21)
1772 – Samuel Taylor Coleridge is born.
Read his shit, it will make you a better person.
1861 – Battle of Ball’s Bluff.
OUCH!
1917 – Dizzy Gillespie is born.
Listen to his shit, it will make you a better person.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Deez Nuts slaughtered Team nope, and now have the best record ever, of all the teams in my league!
Pro tip: OK, but just the tip.
WHO’S HOT
My neighbor’s wife, but he’s a total dick. I’m so nailing that shit, just to spite that prick.
WHO’S NOT
Baltimore, DUH!
YOU SAID IT
LKP – “Give me the Hefty Lefty”
JJ – We don’t talk about our mother’s weekly specials here.
Established in 1965 – “We all know the Lions have a TruWin against the Seahawks. So LOL Panthers if they lose to the Seahawks on Sunday”
JJ – Beautiful insight. Can you educate my readers on how they should react if the Panthers win, and the falcons manage to choke on a penis in New Orleans?
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
I’ve never waivered from my position that a team on a bye cannot drop in the rankings, but after this week of craptitude, I’ve decided they can move up.
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England patriots | 5-0 | Awesome Bill, now you got a cancer survivor fired. Can you go any lower? |
| 2 (2) | Cincinnati Bengals | 6-0 | I have nothing bad to say about you this week. Consider yourself lucky, God smiles on fools and idiots. |
| 3 (3) | Green Bay packers | 6-0 | 500 yards passing was an anomaly, I'm sure Dom Capers has a strategy. |
| 4 (6) | Carolina Panthers | 5-0 | I keep thinking of the last line in Saving Private Ryan: *Tears up "Tell me I've earned this." |
| 5 (8) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 4-2 | I think you should stick with Vic, dog killing is a less heinous crime. |
| 6 (9) | New York Jets | 4-1 | Umm, your defense's feet smell good! |
| 7 (5) | Arizona Cardinals | 4-2 | Meh, it was an away game. I'll give you a pass. |
| 8 (5) | Atlanta Falcons | 5-1 | Winter is coming! |
| 9 (4) | Denver Broncos | 6-0 | It's a tough decission, but I had to put my dog down last week. Sometimes it's the humane thing to do. |
| 10 (11) | Minnesota Vikings | 3-2 | My rankings are fair and balanced. I refuse to let the fact that you only sell 3.2 beer on Sunday against the team. |
| 11 (10) | Buffalo Bills | 3-3 | JESUS! You're the Charlie Brown of the NFL. |
| 12 (19) | Houston Texans | 2-4 | This is the point in the rankings where the shit hits the fan, and then sprays back and hits more shit heading for the fans. Congrats, you the highest ranking shit. King Shit, if you will. |
| 13 (23) | Philadelphia Eagles | 3-3 | Who says you can't win if you lose the turnover battle? |
| 14 (12) | Indianapolis Colts | 3-3 | Pagano's Folly! |
| 15 (17) | St Louis Rams | 2-3 | Gosh and golly, you're just not that good. |
| 16 (22) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-3 | Better hope Romo is a quick healer. |
| 17 (24) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 2-3 | You are a direct benefactor of my apathy. |
| 18 (25) | Oakland Raiders | 2-3 | I moved you up, because I picked up Janakowski as my FF kicker for Gould's bye week. Don't let me down! |
| 19 (13) | Seattle Seahawks | 2-4 | If Marshawn isn't the missing link, you are screwed. SCREWED! |
| 20 (14) | New York Giants | 3-3 | I was tempted to move you up, just because I was so happy to see the team I expected at the beginning of the season. |
| 21 (15) | Chicago Bears | 2-4 | YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. YOU BROKE MY HEART! |
| 22 (16) | Cleveland Browns | 2-4 | Give me a call. I worked in the nuclear power industry for 12 years. I know a little bit about disposing of toxic waste. |
| 23 (27) | New Orleans Saints | 2-4 | Thank you for finally exposing Atlanta for the pile of steaming crap they are. |
| 24 (18) | Baltimore Ravens | 1-5 | Wow! You have my early vote for disappointment of the season. BTW, Thanks for giving up Nanny McPhee. |
| 25 (20) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-5 | Remember the Snickers commercial where the guy painted "CHEFS" in your end zone? I think it fits. |
| 26 ( 21) | San Diego Chargers | 2-4 | Second only to the Detroit Loins in disappointing fans. (That's the blue ribbon) |
| 27 (28) | San Francisco 49ers | 2-4 | Moving on up! |
| 28 (26) | Washington Redskins | 2-4 | This is karma for not changing your racist name. |
| 29 (31) | Miami Dolphins | 2-3 | I forgot who you beat, but congrats. |
| 30 (29) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-5 | YOU CAN DO IT! Three years at the bottom of my rankings would be a record! |
| 31 (32) | Detroit Lions | 1-5 | I think I saw Caldwell smile. |
| 32 (30) | Tennessee Titans | 1-4 | Sorry, dudes. You suck the moistest. |