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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 6 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

I’m getting old. Not SDL old, but I’m becoming a curmudgeoning old asshat.

I’ve had a very hard time enjoying watching games this year. Yeah, yeah, I’m a Bears fan, but they’re not the reason. For Christ’s sake, the winning quarterback on Monday Night Football had three interceptions.

The officiating has ben heinous! Fan bases are starting to sympathize with Green Bay Packer fans for the Fail Mary.

Is it possible for the NFL to make the rules on what constitutes a catch more vague?

WTF was Pagano thinking, or more accurately, was he thinking?

Johnny Football. Way to protect the shield!

There are currently nine teams over .500. THAT’S NOT EVEN ONE THIRD OF THE LEAGUE!

For Jesus’ sake, get it right, Rodger!

WEEK 7 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING

As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.

I took a thumping this week, due to underachievers overachieving. I was a paltry 8-6, bringing my season total to 60-32 (still better than Deep Fool).

So, here are my week 7 predictions:

WinnerLoser
SeattleSan Francisco (H)
BuffaloJacksonville (H)
TampaWashington (H)
AtlantaTennessee (H)
Indianapolis (H)New Orleans
MinnesotaDetroit (H)
PittsburghKansas City (H)
St. Louis (H)Cleveland
HoustonMiami (H)
New England (H)New York Jets
OaklandSan Diego (H)
DallasNew York Giants (H)
Carolina (H)Philadelphia
Arizona (H)Baltimore

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 21)

1772 – Samuel Taylor Coleridge is born.
Read his shit, it will make you a better person.

1861 – Battle of Ball’s Bluff.
OUCH!

1917 – Dizzy Gillespie is born.
Listen to his shit, it will make you a better person.

FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM

Deez Nuts slaughtered Team nope, and now have the best record ever, of all the teams in my league!

Pro tip: OK, but just the tip.

WHO’S HOT

My neighbor’s wife, but he’s a total dick. I’m so nailing that shit, just to spite that prick.

WHO’S NOT

Baltimore, DUH!

YOU SAID IT

LKP – “Give me the Hefty Lefty”
JJ – We don’t talk about our mother’s weekly specials here.

Established in 1965 – “We all know the Lions have a TruWin against the Seahawks. So LOL Panthers if they lose to the Seahawks on Sunday”
JJ – Beautiful insight. Can you educate my readers on how they should react if the Panthers win, and the falcons manage to choke on a penis in New Orleans?

 

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

I’ve never waivered from my position that a team on a bye cannot drop in the rankings, but after this week of craptitude, I’ve decided they can move up.

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
New England patriots5-0Awesome Bill, now you got a cancer survivor fired. Can you go any lower?
2
(2)
Cincinnati Bengals6-0I have nothing bad to say about you this week.
Consider yourself lucky, God smiles on fools and idiots.
3
(3)
Green Bay packers6-0500 yards passing was an anomaly, I'm sure Dom Capers has a strategy.
4
(6)
Carolina Panthers5-0I keep thinking of the last line in Saving Private Ryan:
*Tears up
"Tell me I've earned this."
5
(8)
Pittsburgh Steelers4-2I think you should stick with Vic, dog killing is a less heinous crime.
6
(9)
New York Jets4-1Umm, your defense's feet smell good!
7
(5)
Arizona Cardinals4-2Meh, it was an away game.
I'll give you a pass.
8
(5)
Atlanta Falcons5-1Winter is coming!
9
(4)
Denver Broncos6-0It's a tough decission, but I had to put my dog down last week.
Sometimes it's the humane thing to do.
10
(11)
Minnesota Vikings3-2My rankings are fair and balanced. I refuse to let the fact that you only sell 3.2 beer on Sunday against the team.
11
(10)
Buffalo Bills3-3JESUS! You're the Charlie Brown of the NFL.
12
(19)
Houston Texans2-4This is the point in the rankings where the shit hits the fan, and then sprays back and hits more shit heading for the fans. Congrats, you the highest ranking shit.
King Shit, if you will.
13
(23)
Philadelphia Eagles3-3Who says you can't win if you lose the turnover battle?
14
(12)
Indianapolis Colts3-3Pagano's Folly!
15
(17)
St Louis Rams2-3Gosh and golly, you're just not that good.
16
(22)
Dallas Cowboys2-3Better hope Romo is a quick healer.
17
(24)
Tampa Bay Bucanneers2-3You are a direct benefactor of my apathy.
18
(25)
Oakland Raiders2-3I moved you up, because I picked up Janakowski as my FF kicker for Gould's bye week.
Don't let me down!
19
(13)
Seattle Seahawks2-4If Marshawn isn't the missing link, you are screwed.
SCREWED!
20
(14)
New York Giants3-3I was tempted to move you up, just because I was so happy to see the team I expected at the beginning of the season.
21
(15)
Chicago Bears2-4YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!
YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME.
YOU BROKE MY HEART!
22
(16)
Cleveland Browns2-4Give me a call. I worked in the nuclear power industry for 12 years. I know a little bit about disposing of toxic waste.
23
(27)
New Orleans Saints2-4Thank you for finally exposing Atlanta for the pile of steaming crap they are.
24
(18)
Baltimore Ravens1-5Wow! You have my early vote for disappointment of the season.
BTW, Thanks for giving up Nanny McPhee.
25
(20)
Kansas City Chiefs1-5Remember the Snickers commercial where the guy painted "CHEFS" in your end zone? I think it fits.
26
( 21)
San Diego Chargers2-4Second only to the Detroit Loins in disappointing fans. (That's the blue ribbon)
27
(28)
San Francisco 49ers2-4Moving on up!
28
(26)
Washington Redskins2-4This is karma for not changing your racist name.
29
(31)
Miami Dolphins2-3I forgot who you beat, but congrats.
30
(29)
Jacksonville Jaguars1-5YOU CAN DO IT!
Three years at the bottom of my rankings would be a record!
31
(32)
Detroit Lions1-5I think I saw Caldwell smile.
32
(30)
Tennessee Titans1-4Sorry, dudes. You suck the moistest.