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Can't Miss Slants

Lions Face Silly Nannies to Please the Queen

Make the pain stop!!! The Detroit Lions fell to (1-6) and travel to London to take on the Silly Nannies (2-5) at 9:30 AM ET at Wembley Stadium. The entire nation can watch the Lions train wreck this week on FOX instead of going to church. It’s what God intended per Glover Quin. Let’s take a look at the meaningless stats, news and matchups.

Check Out My New Cooter

The Lions fired their offensive coordinator (Joe Lombardi) and offensive line coaches (Jeremiah Washburn and Terry Heffernan) after 24 terrible game plans in a row. This is great timing by Detroit. It’s smart to change it up last minute with an international game in the mix. That is how bad Lombardi and the offensive line have been.

Detroit is rolling with a Cooter, Jim Bob Cooter as the new OC. Cooter is the former QB coach and gets a nice promotion after Stafford tossed 9 interceptions this year in 7 games. Cooter did cheerleader a self-aware Peyton Manning for a few years. Way to go Jim Bob. Make your sister/wife proud.

Curtis Modkins was promoted to run game coordinator from running backs coach. Modkins had this job in 2013 for Detroit and did well. Success is not tolerated for more than one season in Detroit so he was demoted in 2014 to destroy the Lions run game. Modkins made Reggie Bush look good with a similar offensive line to the 2015 Lions offensive line. Think about it.

Very Offensive

The Lions are 29th in offensive PPG (19.9) and 32nd in rushing offense (3.5 YPC). The Lions have the most turnovers in the league with 18. Your grandpa is probably rolling in his grave, Joe. Lions would have been better off stuffing you in their empty trophy case and using Vince’s corpse as OC.

The Silly Nannies have the 18th ranked PPG defense and a strong pass rush with Justin Houston, Allen Bailey and Tamba Hali. Stafford is a dead man walking after taking 7 sacks last week. Hopefully new offensive line coach Ron Prince instills the block the guy in front of you technique.

I Miss Suh on Defense (and Levy and good secondary play)

Detroit has given up 28.6 PPG (29th in the league). The 18 turnovers by the offense made it worse but the Lions coverage has been terrible. Each player gives up a few big plays a week so you can’t blame just one guy. However, Mathis was the worst against Minnesota getting dug up by the rookie Diggs.

Detroit has given up a league worst 111 QB rating, 73% completion and 9.1 YPC. Jeremy Maclin, Albert Wilson, Chris Conley and Travis Kelce have to be salivating. Alex Smith may actually look like a real QB and may actually throw a TD to a WR this week.

Detroit has forced 11 turnovers and can be decent in run defense (4.0 YPC). However, the Chiefs had 4.7 YPC last week against the Steelers led by a big game by Chumpdick West. They lose Jamaal Charles and still run the ball better than Detroit. West will have a huge game and be knighted by the Queen. Sir Chumpdick West.

Neutered Weapons

Calvin Johnson and Eric Ebron have looked good defying the odds. This proves old men, though weak and feeble and men born with hands of stone can still serve a purpose. Calvin missed practice though. They like to dash my hopes in London as he didn’t play last year either. Calvin should play despite the injury but if he wants to get out of the game and sent back to the good ole USA early, he should make sure the smoke detector in his room works like CJ Mosley did last year.

Corner Sean Smith and Marcus Peters will have the games of their lives as every non NFC North corner has done against Detroit this season. Eric Berry will get a second wish granted from the Make a Wish foundation and nab 3 Stafford interceptions.

Golden Tate has regressed as most Lions WRs do in their second year on the team. I’m just glad Tate hasn’t gone on a burglary spree yet like Titus Young. Tate has a mediocre burglary coach now in Cooter so there is hope. But make sure you wait until they are sleeping next time, Jim Bob.

Pass Rush (Ngata Going to Matter)

The Lions have had a good pass rush the last two weeks and most of the season. Kansas City has given up 26 sacks which is shockingly 10 more sacks than Detroit has allowed. Ziggy Ansah has 6 sacks on the season (guess it wasn’t just playing next to Suh). Ngata played well in return from injury against Minnesota too.

Yet the secondary still can’t cover. If the secondary does decide to cover, offensive turnovers will provide plenty of easy short fields for the Silly Nannies offense. The Lions will find a way to comically lose. The Queen will give the thumbs down signal and Winston Churchill will end it for Caldwell.

Prediction

The Silly Nannies score 28 Googlies compared to the Lions 14. After this one, the bye week is mercifully upon Detroit. I hate this season and it’s only almost half way over.