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Can't Miss Slants

Week 7 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

This season can best be described as a suckfest. Teams are tripping over one another trying to earn that coveted first draft slot.

What happened to the good old days when the Lions had a monopoly on disappointing their fans?
Now we have Tampa blowing a 24 point lead…TO WASHING-FUCKING-TON!, Flacco and the Ravens are trying to make Chicago fans feel better about Cutler’s contract, and the Texans want to prove that they can shit the bed with the best of them.

Not to be outdone, the Lions fired their offensive coaching staff. Well played!

Oh yeah, Jack Del Rio, bitches!

Now I have to figure out that dude across the bay, who’s leading the 49ers to the seventh level of hell, or maybe not. I’m not sure he’ll be around long enough for me to put in the effort.

WEEK 8 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING

As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.

I took a thumping this week, due to underachievers overachieving. For the second week in a row, I came in at 8-6, bringing my season total to 68-38.

So, here are my week 8 predictions:

WinnerLoser
New England (H)Miami
Kansas City (H)Detroit
Atlanta (H)Tampa Bay
ArizonaCleveland (H)
St Louis (H)San Francisco
New York GiantsNew Orleans (H)
MinnesotaChicago (H)
Baltimore (H)San Diego
CincinnatiPittsburgh (H)
Houston (H)Tennessee
New York JetsOakland (H)
Seattle Dallas (H)
Green BayDenver (H)
Carolina (H)Indianapolis

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 28)

1886 Statue of Liberty dedicated.
Shortly thereafter, an inventive young immigrant, seeing the statue for the first time, came up with the idea of fisting.

1919 – Congress enforces prohibition.
What the fuck were they thinking?

1965 Gateway Arch Completed.
Now, commonly recognized as a symbol that you are entering a shithole.

FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM

Deez Nuts are on a roll. This weeks victim was Straight Out f Cobbtown (AKA Gabes). At 6-1 on the season, I am 2 games clear of the rest of the FF midgets in my league.

Pro tip: You should try to trade me for Brady.

WHO’S HOT

Any team with a bye.

WHO’S NOT

Goldendoodles. Scientists have determined they are lame, and their owners are losers of epic proportions.

YOU SAID IT

aciddragon15412 – btw i could put all the team names on paper, shove the paper up my ass and shit out a better power tanking than this
JJ – Please refrain from giving out my trade secrets in the future.

JJ Ginn n Juice – Much better than ESPN rankings. Cards lose they move them up 2 spots and drop the Steelers 2 spots. LolWut.
JJ – Turns out I’m one omniscient motherfucker!

 

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
New England patriots6-0Firm, solid stool. Mild odor. Continue current diet.
2
(2)
Cincinnati Bengals6-0Deer poop. Tiny solid nuggets.
3
(3)
Green Bay Packers6-0Hot steamy paste. I prescribe Imodium for your defense.
4
(4)
Carolina panthers6-0Satisfying, steamy poop in the woods. Enjoy your camping.
5
(7)
Arizona Cardinals5-2Violent diarrheal spray.
6
(8)
Atlanta Falcons6-1Soft, light brown stool. Horrific odor.
7
(10)
Minnesota Vikings4-2Infant poop. messy, but very little odor. Scares me to death that you may add meat to your diet.
8
(5)
Pittsburgh Steelers4-3Runny shart. You need to get Big Ben to mop that up.
9
(9)
Denver Broncos6-0Black stool. Patient fatal.
10
(6)
New York Jets4-2Explosive monkey diarrhea.
11
(15)
St Louis Rams3-3Goose shit. Teams should watch their step.
12
(18)
Oakland Raiders3-3You're what I like too call a Jack Del Rio. Very unpredictable. Best to know where the nearest bathroom is.
13
(19)
Seattle Seahawks3-4Constipation and anal bleeding.
14
(20)
New York Giants4-3Hangover shit. Turn on the fan.
15
(11)
Buffalo Bills3-4Pasty shit that seems like it will never end.
16
(13)
Philadelphia Eagles3-4Whirly bird. Shit, puke, shit, puke...repeat
17
(14)
Indianapolis Colts3-4Check your colostomy bag.
18
(23)
New Orleans Saints3-4You're what my fellow proctologists like to call, "A Turd".
19
(28)
Washington Redskins3-4Bloody stool.
20
(29)
Miami Dolphins3-3Basically the remnants of the last time I snaked the drain.
21
(21)
Chicago Bears2-4Sweet Chocolate.
22
(12)
Houston Texans2-5A grinder.
23
(16)
Dallas Cowboys2-4Coffee shits.
24
(25)
Kansas City Chiefs2-5Brown banana.
25
(30)
Jacksonville Jaguars2-5Toilet trout.
26
(17)
Tampa Bay Bucanneers2-4Mud puppy.
27
(22)
Cleveland Browns2-5Cleveland steamer.
28
(24)
Baltimore Ravens1-6Crap.
29
(26)
San Diego Chargers2-5Runny gunner.
30
(27)
San Francisco 49ers2-5You're the spot it takes three days to piss of the back of the toilet.
31
(32)
Tennessee Titans1-5Dung.
32
(31)
Detroit Lions1-6Septic tank.