I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
This season can best be described as a suckfest. Teams are tripping over one another trying to earn that coveted first draft slot.
What happened to the good old days when the Lions had a monopoly on disappointing their fans?
Now we have Tampa blowing a 24 point lead…TO WASHING-FUCKING-TON!, Flacco and the Ravens are trying to make Chicago fans feel better about Cutler’s contract, and the Texans want to prove that they can shit the bed with the best of them.
Not to be outdone, the Lions fired their offensive coaching staff. Well played!
Oh yeah, Jack Del Rio, bitches!
Now I have to figure out that dude across the bay, who’s leading the 49ers to the seventh level of hell, or maybe not. I’m not sure he’ll be around long enough for me to put in the effort.
WEEK 8 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.
I took a thumping this week, due to underachievers overachieving. For the second week in a row, I came in at 8-6, bringing my season total to 68-38.
So, here are my week 8 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| New England (H) | Miami |
| Kansas City (H) | Detroit |
| Atlanta (H) | Tampa Bay |
| Arizona | Cleveland (H) |
| St Louis (H) | San Francisco |
| New York Giants | New Orleans (H) |
| Minnesota | Chicago (H) |
| Baltimore (H) | San Diego |
| Cincinnati | Pittsburgh (H) |
| Houston (H) | Tennessee |
| New York Jets | Oakland (H) |
| Seattle | Dallas (H) |
| Green Bay | Denver (H) |
| Carolina (H) | Indianapolis |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 28)
1886 Statue of Liberty dedicated.
Shortly thereafter, an inventive young immigrant, seeing the statue for the first time, came up with the idea of fisting.
1919 – Congress enforces prohibition.
What the fuck were they thinking?
1965 Gateway Arch Completed.
Now, commonly recognized as a symbol that you are entering a shithole.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Deez Nuts are on a roll. This weeks victim was Straight Out f Cobbtown (AKA Gabes). At 6-1 on the season, I am 2 games clear of the rest of the FF midgets in my league.
Pro tip: You should try to trade me for Brady.
WHO’S HOT
Any team with a bye.
WHO’S NOT
Goldendoodles. Scientists have determined they are lame, and their owners are losers of epic proportions.
YOU SAID IT
aciddragon15412 – btw i could put all the team names on paper, shove the paper up my ass and shit out a better power tanking than this
JJ – Please refrain from giving out my trade secrets in the future.
JJ Ginn n Juice – Much better than ESPN rankings. Cards lose they move them up 2 spots and drop the Steelers 2 spots. LolWut.
JJ – Turns out I’m one omniscient motherfucker!
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England patriots | 6-0 | Firm, solid stool. Mild odor. Continue current diet. |
| 2 (2) | Cincinnati Bengals | 6-0 | Deer poop. Tiny solid nuggets. |
| 3 (3) | Green Bay Packers | 6-0 | Hot steamy paste. I prescribe Imodium for your defense. |
| 4 (4) | Carolina panthers | 6-0 | Satisfying, steamy poop in the woods. Enjoy your camping. |
| 5 (7) | Arizona Cardinals | 5-2 | Violent diarrheal spray. |
| 6 (8) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-1 | Soft, light brown stool. Horrific odor. |
| 7 (10) | Minnesota Vikings | 4-2 | Infant poop. messy, but very little odor. Scares me to death that you may add meat to your diet. |
| 8 (5) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 4-3 | Runny shart. You need to get Big Ben to mop that up. |
| 9 (9) | Denver Broncos | 6-0 | Black stool. Patient fatal. |
| 10 (6) | New York Jets | 4-2 | Explosive monkey diarrhea. |
| 11 (15) | St Louis Rams | 3-3 | Goose shit. Teams should watch their step. |
| 12 (18) | Oakland Raiders | 3-3 | You're what I like too call a Jack Del Rio. Very unpredictable. Best to know where the nearest bathroom is. |
| 13 (19) | Seattle Seahawks | 3-4 | Constipation and anal bleeding. |
| 14 (20) | New York Giants | 4-3 | Hangover shit. Turn on the fan. |
| 15 (11) | Buffalo Bills | 3-4 | Pasty shit that seems like it will never end. |
| 16 (13) | Philadelphia Eagles | 3-4 | Whirly bird. Shit, puke, shit, puke...repeat |
| 17 (14) | Indianapolis Colts | 3-4 | Check your colostomy bag. |
| 18 (23) | New Orleans Saints | 3-4 | You're what my fellow proctologists like to call, "A Turd". |
| 19 (28) | Washington Redskins | 3-4 | Bloody stool. |
| 20 (29) | Miami Dolphins | 3-3 | Basically the remnants of the last time I snaked the drain. |
| 21 (21) | Chicago Bears | 2-4 | Sweet Chocolate. |
| 22 (12) | Houston Texans | 2-5 | A grinder. |
| 23 (16) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-4 | Coffee shits. |
| 24 (25) | Kansas City Chiefs | 2-5 | Brown banana. |
| 25 (30) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 2-5 | Toilet trout. |
| 26 (17) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 2-4 | Mud puppy. |
| 27 (22) | Cleveland Browns | 2-5 | Cleveland steamer. |
| 28 (24) | Baltimore Ravens | 1-6 | Crap. |
| 29 (26) | San Diego Chargers | 2-5 | Runny gunner. |
| 30 (27) | San Francisco 49ers | 2-5 | You're the spot it takes three days to piss of the back of the toilet. |
| 31 (32) | Tennessee Titans | 1-5 | Dung. |
| 32 (31) | Detroit Lions | 1-6 | Septic tank. |