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Can't Miss Slants

Things to Hate About St. Louis

Well, we have taken a look at reasons to hate San Francisco and Kansas City. This week as the Packers play host to the Cleveland/Los Angeles/St Louis/soon to be Los Angeles Rams again we will take a look at why St Louis is such a despicable city and why you should never go there unless it is to watch the Packers play, but not this season of course. Without further adieu, here is why you should hate St. Louis.

1) Provel. Seriously. Screw Provel in the face and stab it with a rusty screwdriver. The wikipedia page describes provel as a processed cheese that is a combination of Cheddar, Swiss and Provolone and tastes like none of them. It’s literally the most disgusting cheese product on the market. Have you ever been told by someone that they are craving St. Louis style pizza? Neither have I. Provel is the reason for that.

2) St. Louis is known as the Gateway to the West. What that really means if you break it down, is more people have gone to St Louis and said to themselves “Shit! I need to get out of here!” What faced people leaving St. Louis you ask. Uncharted wilderness, raging rivers, illness and possibly some hostile native populations not too keen on people travelling through their land. All this was seen as better than living in St. Louis.

3) Cardinals fans. Seriously, Cardinals fans are condescending twats. They think they have a monopoly on the right way to play the game of baseball and claim moral superiority in the PED era all because despite the poster boy for PEDs playing in St. Louis, they voted to take down the signs naming Interstate 70 after him.

4) Even sports franchises don’t like staying in St. Louis too long. Just ask the St Louis Hawks and St Louis Bombers from the NBA, the St Louis Cardinals from the NFL and soon to be the St Louis Rams as well.

5) Crime. I don’t know a single person from St Louis that hasn’t had their car broken into at some point or another. It’s like injuries in the NFL, it’s not a matter of if but when. There are not good and bad neighborhoods in town, there are bad ones and worse ones.

6) Their football stadium.  Indoor football is a perversion of the game.   A game meant to be played in the elements should not be sanitized from them.  Also it was fitting that the field caught fire in the pregame a couple weeks ago.  There is a dumpster fire joke in there somewhere.

7) Joe Buck.  Has anyone ridden the coattails of his father more than this guy?  I don’t know who I dislike more out of the tandem of Buck and Aikman, but I know one thing for sure, if your daddy wasn’t a HOF broadcaster for the St Louis Cardinals, I wouldn’t have to listen to your stupid voice every Sunday.

8) The Freeway system.  It’s designed like a baton with tassels at both end.   They all seem to merge together to cross the Mississippi River as one and then split right back up again.  Whoever designed this clusterfuck should be drawn and quartered.

9) Hey dipshit!  There is no “R” in the word “wash”

10) Toasted Ravioli.  We have deep fried Ravioli elsewhere in the country, but we serve them at the State Fair, not at the best restaurants in town.

Next up on the docket is San Diego.   I would like to encourage viewer participation in this column and have people give some suggestions in future columns.  I do know we have a few people here who have lived in San Diego as well.