What to Hate About Cleveland

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I am a hater of all things. I hate you, you and you. I don't don't know you and I hate your guts. I wish all the bad things on Earth to happen to you and nobody else. Now excuse me, but I have to go fill your mother's dish.

Welcome to one of the shittiest cities in all of America. The Mistake by the Lake, Cleveland Ohio. When your top selling point is that “Hey, we’re not Detroit” then you know you have hit rock bottom, unless of course you’re Detroit. Without further ado here are 10 reasons to hate Cleveland

1) The Cuyahoga River. In 1969, the slow moving sludge and ooze that passes for water in this river spontaneously caught fire. There were times in it’s history in which the river was so polluted that no life existed between Cleveland and Akron. The fire was the impetus to create Earth Day, which is a day where whiny sniveling Libtards sneer their noses at people for a problem that won’t cause anyone living today any harm whatsoever. My question, how is that different than any of the other 364 days of the year?

2) Sports. The city hasn’t won a Championship in any sport since 1964. No wonder they are so nuts over the Buckeyes, their professional sports suck.

3) They’re singing Welfare Carols! Bone Thugs n Harmony is the most popular rap group to ever come out of Cleveland. One of their more popular songs “1st of Tha Month” is about being a fucking lazy ass mooch waiting around all month for your welfare check and spending like a drunken sailor.

4) Big Blimpin’ The Goodyear blimp is headquartered not far outside of Cleveland, and you can frequently see it motoring away at a breakneck rate of 35 MPH to a sporting event near you!

5) It’s literally the capital of shitty food. Chef Boyardee is based out of Cleveland.

6) Nobody lives there anymore. At it’s peak the city of Cleveland was home to 914,808 according to the 1950 census. Today, there are less than 400,000 people in town. My guess is they got on one of those trains taking jobs out of Cleveland.  Either that or they never got their Obamaphones. No wonder you can get a house for the price of a VCR.

7) They don’t math good. This is an excerpt from an article on why you should move to Cleveland.

The median housing cost in Cleveland is 249% less than in NYC, 226% less than in Washington DC, and 66% less than Chicago.

It is impossible to cost more than 100% less than anything, unless of course, people are physically paying you to move to Cleveland at 1.5 times the rate housing in NYC costs. My guess though is housing in Cleveland is about 40% of that in NYC which it would be if housing was 2.49 times that of Cleveland.

8) How in the fuck is Drew Carey the celebrity most associated with Cleveland when Halle Fucking Berry is from there?

9) Quarterbacks.  Has a team in recent memory been as cursed at the quarterback position as the Browns have in over the past 15-20 years?

10) Hey dipshit!  You can stop bragging about Major League any time now.  While it may have been about the Cleveland Indians, we know the movie was filmed in Milwaukee at Milwaukee County Stadium and the signature part of the movie, Harry Doyle, was played by Bob Uecker, radio play by play man for the Brewers.

Next week, we put fries on every sandwich that we eat as we travel to Pittsburgh, PA.  By the way did you know they have 6 Super Bowls?  I am not sure anyone from there has told you that.  What they want to keep a secret is that for the 35 or so years before the Super Bowl existed, they didn’t do shit.